My coworker Luis came up to me this morning with his cup of grapes and was all like, “Is that your breakfast???”

In unrelated news, I had a salad for lunch today.

BRB crying in my car.

Title Track (@ The Hotel Cafe)

I try to catch Kevin Garrett whenever he’s in LA, and this was by far my favorite show of his. Love this intimate venue.

The last time Christine was my wingwoman, I ended up roofied at The Waterfront! Was it her fault or the mocktails? Who really is to blame???

I love that Christine’s birthday is so close to mine, especially when her husband throws her a surprise party at my favorite BBQ spot! (@ Grand Ole BBQ)

The girls gave me the best gift ever: music and travel! I can’t wait to see Tame Impala in Portland!!!

Thanks to Chel, Christine and the old man in a hawaiian shirt at the bar for buying me all those birthday drinks (and even more thanks to Alicia for picking my ass up and Ray for driving my car home).

When the clock struck midnight on my birthday, I was two burritos deep and lying on the floor at Alicia’s house. This is 38, guys.

I’m just gonna watch this tube dude for the rest of the day.

That’s a wrap on 2019!

Let’s get blitzen, y’all…

“You smell like beef and cheese alcohol.”

Cuevas family gone wild!

This is what happens when you hide a $20 bill inside a roll of costco saran wrap and tell everyone there’s $100 in there LOL!

One hour and two broken nails later…

It wouldn’t be the holidays if my grandma didn’t lose $50 playing bingo and and curse like a sailor while doing so! Ha.

The holidays aren’t the same without you, bud 💔

BRB postmates is outside with my seafood risotto.

…or me when my bff’s family was done going around the table saying what they were all thankful for, and her 6-year-old daughter says, “Now let’s say what we hate about each other.”

I find this kid equally amusing and terrifying.

If anyone needs me, I’ll just be out here waiting for this turkey to deep fry and my druncle to stop asking me why I’m not married yet.

Happy holidays from the 405!

One month till Christmas!

Let’s get some fuckin’ french toast (@ Republique)

Roger is my spirit animal.

Sylvan Esso – Coffee (@ Walt Disney Concert Hall)

Last show of the year at my new favorite venue ❤️

I got to try the elusive Popeyes chicken sandwich, and I didn’t even have to wait in line or get stabbed to death! It only cost me 15,000 Southwest points (@ McCarran Airport)

Adding to my list of dating requirements:

– Must be born before I started high school
– Must be less sloppy than me (if only slightly)

Just kidding (the beard is non-negotiable).

Still waiting for someone to passive-aggressively address my new neighbor’s affinity for indian food and techno music.

Same.

I miss you already, bud 💔💔💔

9/1/05 – 10/7/19

Ohana Fest (@ Doheny State Beach)

This is the third time I’ve seen The Strokes and probably my last. Julian’s a mess! During one of the songs, he forgot the lyrics, walked off the stage and sang, “I don’t want to play in this place anymore.” The show wasn’t done yet, but he sure was.

They just finished a new album and are probably gearing up to tour next year. As much as I love their music, I don’t know that I would see them live again. If you can, catch them twenty years ago in NYC!

Sake on Sunset with Deane and Sarah (@ Night + Market Weho)

John Mayer – Edge of Desire (@ The Forum)

Don’t say a word, just come over and lie here with me
‘Cause I’m just about to set fire to everything I see
I want you so bad I’ll go back on the things I believe
There I just said it, I’m scared you’ll forget about me

The last time I saw John Mayer was at the Hollywood Bowl in 2007 before I moved to LA. Twelve years later, he still makes that same guitar face me feel all the feels.

Can I get a Clearly Canadian to wash down these tofu balls? (@ Button Mash)

Andy Grammer – I Am Yours (@ The Wiltern)

I’ve been lost, I’ve been found
But I know who I am now
I am yours

Aloha! It’s been a busy month since I got back from Hawaii, but my paradise playlist is still in heavy rotation, and I’ve been dreaming about that island life ever since…

It was hard waking up to this view every morning, but I managed somehow (@ Timbers Kauai Ocean Club)

First things first (@ Hualani’s)

Excuse me, miss? There seems to be a mistake. I believe I ordered the large shave ice. Hello! (@ Skinny Mike’s Ice Cream & Shave Ice)

Two things you should know about me:

1. I will reference So I Married an Axe Murderer till the day I die.

2. I stay ready with that mini Tajin in my purse.

Congrats to my dear friends, Donna and David! I had originally planned to go to Chicago for Lollapalooza that week, but I went to Kauai for their vow renewal instead and had the greatest time!

I was still in high school when they first got married twenty years ago. If my sister and I were running late to class, we’d skip first period and hang out at their apartment instead. Donna was a bad influence on us then, and she still is today! Ha. She dared me to jump off a cliff into the kids’ pool at the resort we were staying at. She jumped first, but she’s also a foot shorter than me! I’m pretty sure my tailbone is still at the bottom of the keiki pool, you guys.

Touring the Na Pali Coast by boat was my most favorite part of this trip!

We got up close and personal with dolphins, snorkeled with sea turtles, and explored these amazing sea caves. Shoutout to Captain Kalen of Blue Ocean Adventure Tours for the dope playlist and all the laughs! Def book a tour with them if you’re ever in Kauai.

This raft tour was pretty wild. You basically sit on the side of an inflatable zodiac boat with nothing but a rope over your foot and the hand of God keeping you in as you zip up the coast at crazy speeds!

I was surprised Pammie agreed to join me because she is notorious for getting sea sick (Caborette Booze Cruise 2015, anyone?). She thought she fully prepared herself this time around, but no amount of ginger pills, essential oils, sea-bands or prayers could keep her from getting sick. All things considered, she and her husband still had fun!

This magical bamboo forest led us to the lazy river where we went mountain tubing.

They all float (@ Kauai Backcountry Adventures)

If you’ve never gone tubing down an old sugar plantation irrigation system, then I really don’t know what you’re doing with your life.

We hit up this hole in the wall, Hamura Saimin, after Jessie told us it was her husband’s favorite restaurant in Kauai. While we were waiting for a table, I noticed Jason Momoa’s kids in line next to us (because I’m a creep and I know what his kids look like). They were accompanied by a local who was super friendly with everyone in the restaurant. We were seated at a communal table next to them when Jason Momoa strolled in and sat down behind me! I started sweating, partly because I was eating hot noodle soup in the humidest place on earth, but mostly because I was sitting back to back with Khal fuckin’ Drogo, and I could feel his goddamn body heat!

My friends stayed in Kauai longer than us and saw him two more times! I knew I should’ve extended my vacation…

This LA humidity is prepping me for Hawaii, you guys.

3 more days!!!

I’m here for the garlic fries, beer and Eric Hosmer (in that order) (@ Petco Park)

Nothing says ‘Murica like BBQ and corn chips (@ Grand Ole BBQ Flinn Springs)

I had to try my beloved beef rib el borracho style (as featured on DDD!) with my favorite borrachos this 4th of July weekend. Def could go easier on the queso, but I am here for this bed of corn puddin’ y’all!

I should really start wearing pants to bed in preparation for the big one.

Unsolicited fact about me: This is how I start every 4th of July.

Rooney – Stay Away

Make a move on me, baby
I cant be the one who’s always taking chances

Another day, another 20th anniversary tour (@ Lodge Room)

The first time I saw Rooney was nearly two decades ago with an ex-boyfriend at a venue that doesn’t exist anymore. So much has changed since then, but I still go to shows as much as I can, and I still love the bands I loved twenty years ago (still waiting for that Hoobastank comeback tour!).

BRB crying at the cemetery (@ Hollywood Forever)

Hozier – Shrike

I couldn’t utter my love when it counted
Ah, but I’m singing like a bird ’bout it now

I’ve supported Jessie through everything from swim meets to soccer games to sugar cleanses… It’s scary to think that someone so incredibly health-conscious and physically fit could suddenly get cancer, and even scarier when that person is one of your dearest friends.

If anyone can beat this, it’s you, bb. Love you so much ♥

Congrats to my favorite new first grader, Ari! (@ Pepper Drive Elementary)

I should’ve been less concerned about the dad with the swastika tattoo on his neck and more concerned about being in a classroom full of kinders for an hour, because I am full blown sick now, ya dang kids!

File under: Reasons I don’t go hiking.

I have a soft spot for songs that remind me of my youth (even ones that are covered by Lana Del Rey).

When we were in 8th grade, Marisa Madrigal wrote me this note with all the lyrics to her favorite song – Sublime’s Date Rape! Never mind the fact that we were only thirteen listening to a song about butt rape (yikes) by a fricken ska punk band (double yikes), I thought she was the coolest girl in school.

Who taught my grandma how to snapchat?!

I’m gonna need this sunglass filter, guys. I’ve seen my future and it is BRIGHT.

Kevin Garrett – Control

Father, son, and holy ghost
I would never let you go

h o a x 💔 (@ Troubadour)

Actual footage of me picking up my food order during the Game of Thrones finale.

After setting up my projector and ordering food, I got in my car and realized my battery was dead. I must’ve left the dome light on Friday night when I was looking for that mango hi-chew that fell into the abyss.

The food was already paid for, so I had to take a lyft there and back to get it. Luckily, both of my drivers were more concerned about the rain in LA than the GoT finale. I called AAA when I got home, and the dude took an hour and a half to get to my apartment. Once he jump started my car, he told me that I should keep it running for another half hour! I got back home around 10pm after driving aimlessly in the rain and finally queued up the episode.

As it turns out, I didn’t need to partake in a social media blackout to avoid spoilers that night, because my entire evening leading up to the finale was more exciting than the finale itself!

Lucius – Feels like a Curse

You talk about today, like the girl who got away
The only one you ever wanted

Day trippin’ (@ Pappy & Harriet’s Pioneertown Palace)

Love this intimate desert gem! Anthony Bourdain featured it in an episode of No Reservations, and Paul McCartney has played here. It’s def worth the visit, especially if you’re nearby in Palm Springs or in Joshua Tree where I had the best nap sound bath of my life.

I lived in San Diego for 30 years, but this was my first time here! It’s worth the $18 entry fee, if only to get dole whip from the strawberry shack on your way out (@ The Flower Fields)

Earlier this week, my coworker Ben walked in on me eating a pb&j uncrustable in my office (yes, I bought the multipack in the ‘kids meals’ aisle at Target, and yes, I have no kids). He told me that he makes pb & honey ones for his daughter who hates jelly, and I said I’ve never had that combo before. This morning, he made an extra sandwich for me when he packed his kid’s lunch! He even cut the crust off lol!

(I’ve also never had wagyu beef, white albino caviar, or fourchu lobster if anyone reading this wants to bring me something, too.)

We survived another conference season (and work party!) (@ Manhattan Beach Studios)

The lack of casualties during the Battle of Winterfell does not bode well for my Game of Thrones Dead Pool entry, guys.

(Fucking Arya, though!!!)

When your sister invites you to an NBA playoff game, you book a flight that morning and meet her in SF!

Local brew and bay views (@ Ferry Building)

Puff puff pastry (@ Mr. Holmes Bakehouse)

San Fran staple (@ Cha Cha Cha)

Chike took us here during our first trip to Outside Lands, and their cajun shrimp and sangria keep me coming back every time!

Klay and Curry and KD, oh my (@ Oracle Arena)

Warriors, baby! Not bad for my first NBA game ever. Thanks to Pammie for a great weekend! You the real MVP.

Till next time, SF! (@ Union Square)

Conference season at work is so draining. I wish I was back at the beach with these clowns! I promise we did more than just lay in bed last weekend (we also ate pizza).

Jessie’s birthday BBQ (@ Grand Ole BBQ Flinn Springs)

I missed pre-BBQ beers at Alpine because of stupid LA traffic, but I made it before they sold out of ribs this time! Can all my friends celebrate their birthdays here??? I would get on the 405 during rush hour for BBQ you.

Shi is my heart twin. We’ve been through the best and absolute worst of times together. There are very few people who have seen me cry or have watched me eat an entire pizza by myself like she has (and even fewer people who have told me that it’s okay because it was thin crust!).

No matter how bad life gets, Shi never loses faith… in love, in the universe, in God. She sends me healing crystals and bible quotes, not because I’m a believer, but because she is. She believes in me, even when I don’t believe in myself. Her positivity radiates, and anyone who’s ever met her can attest to that. I always joke that her sunshine is blinding, but I honestly can’t help but soak up those rays whenever she’s around!

In the words of the late, great Aaliyah, you’re a positive, motivating force within my life. I’m thrilled you’ve found someone who makes you just as happy as you make everyone else. Congrats, Mrs. Sarno ♥

Muse – Stockholm Syndrome (@ The Forum)

This is the last time I’ll forget you
I wish I could

I’ve seen Muse a few times in my life, but I haven’t been to a show of theirs in a decade! It was like seeing them for the first time all over again. Loved, loved, loved. Thanks Nori and Desi for the invite!

After my ceiling sprung several leaks, my landlord had our roof fixed and offered to remove that god awful popcorn ceiling. I even got him to remodel my bathroom and repaint my entire apartment while he was at it!

S/O to all those LA storms for making this home reno possible…

I’ve been off the grid for a few weeks while my place was getting renovated, but it was def worth the wait! Lots to catch up on (Shi’s wedding, Jessie’s birthday, and all the BBQ I ate in between), but first I gotta shower in my new tub and make my bracket picks…

Ribs in bed??? MARRY. HIM. NOW.

Even if you’ve never been in Shi’s bedroom closet where she keeps that photo of herself aboard the starship enterprise, it’s no secret that she’s all about sci-fi and space and the universe. I watched my first meteor shower with her (and regrettably ditched her for a boy during the second one!). She’s gifted me crystals to harness the universe’s energy, and she’s the reason my amazon prime account thinks the complete boxed DVD set of Battlestar Galactica would be of interest to me.

Pammie and I knew that The Night Sky from the day Shi got engaged would be the perfect gift for our favorite galactigeek. Just one more week till Shi’s big day!

What, you don’t have a fireplace in your office??? (@ SKX Advertising)

I need one of these in my apartment! It snowed in LA today, and I’m in bed under a korean blanket wearing two pairs of pants (that’s two more than I usually wear!).

It rained all weekend, so I stayed in and Marie Kondo’d the shit out of my apartment. 48 hours and 9 trash bags later, I have to admit, I feel a little joy (and a lot of exhaustion). Good thing I still have two mattresses to sleep on…

I bought Marie Kondo’s book three years ago. I never read it, and it just added to my clutter! The irony isn’t lost on me. She’s got that netflix show now, but I’m still going to keep it (The Lover’s Dictionary and Tacopedia can’t be the only two books I have in my apartment, guys).

I always say I’m going to re-gift this one day, but let’s be real.

Does Bed, Bath & Beyond take expired coupons from seven years ago? I’ll check on yahoo answers before tossing these. I’m sure someone has weighed in.

Anyone into small mexican things??? Yeah, me either LOL. Toss!

I found this massage gift certificate the girls gave me for my birthday nine years ago! I’m gonna need it after all this decluttering.

Fuck, can I get pregnant from this??? (@ Slab BBQ)

Slab has been on my BBQ bucket list, but they usually sell out by the time I get off work. I’ve been sick at home for the past couple of days, so I finally went for lunch today. They usually don’t serve beef ribs on weekdays, but today was my lucky day! I’ve been following them on instagram since they sold BBQ out of their backyard, and their ribs and brisket were some of the best I’ve ever had! Def my new LA fave.

Just when I thought I couldn’t get any luckier, we were sitting outside Milk having dessert afterwards when WEEZER and Fred Armisen roll past us down Beverly Blvd on a flatbed performing Say It Ain’t So (my favoritest Weezer song EVER) like it’s no bigs! Only in LA…

Thanks to whoever gave me this nasty cough at work! If it weren’t for you, I would’ve never been in Fairfax in the middle of a Tuesday living my best life.

You guys, I have mattresses in every corner of my studio right now.

The memory foam mattress I bought last month is too firm, my old spring mattress is too soft, and the new hybrid mattress that got delivered today is just right!

I’m selling my memory foam mattress and giving away my old spring mattress. If anyone is interested, you should know that I live in a third floor walk-up. If you’re still interested, please hit me up on Let Go, Offer Up, or if you’re local, the Buy Nothing Redondo Beach (North) FB group. Get a mattress and earn a fitbit stair badge while you’re at it!

Staring contest going down on the 405 rn.

Friends is Shi’s most favorite TV show ever, and Shi is our favorite bachelorette!

Shi chow-crowned an impressive amount of gummy dicks. Marry this woman already!

Don’t have to tell us twice (@ The Tipsy Crow)

This mechanical bull has seen better days, and so has my liver (@ Double Deuce)

It was so much fun partying like I was 21 again, but I spent the entire day in bed afterwards paying for it!

(Same time next weekend?)

—

Friends-themed food and drink ideas:

• Penis cake – “Emma’s 1st birthday cake”
• Cheesecake – “Chandler’s stolen cheesecake”
• Chocolate chip cookies – “Phoebe’s grandma’s cookie recipe”
• Quiche – “Monica’s finger nail quiche”
• Trifle – “Rachel’s Thanksgiving trifle”
• Charcuterie board with jam and crackers – “Joey’s uncircumsized deli meat” / “Monica’s jam”
• Crab cakes – “Ross’ free crab cakes”
• Chicken wings – “Monica’s bubble bath chicken”
• Sandwiches – “Joey’s ride along sandwich”
• Pizza – “George Stephanopoulos’ pizza” or “Ross and Rachel’s breakup pizza”
• Flan – “Rachel’s birthday flan”
• Chocolate torte – “Joey’s date’s chocolate torte”
• Lasagna – “Monica’s mom’s back-up lasagna”
• Mini muffins – “Ross’ basket of mini muffins”
• Salad – “Monica’s perverted salad” or “Rachel’s side salad”
• Punch – “Monica’s tiki death punch”
• Mac & Cheese – “Chandler’s righteous mac & cheese”
• Turkey sandwiches – “Ross’ stolen thanksgiving leftover sandwich (the moist maker)”
• Chocolate – “Monica’s mockolate”
• Assorted candies – “Monica’s little pieces of heaven”
• Fajitas – “Ross’ fine fajitas”
• Cups and ice – “Phoebe’s cups and ice”

Vendors/Supplies:

• Friends Cake and Cookies – Wednesday Cake
• Friends Bunting Banner, Food Signage, Shirts – Shashime Designs
• Friends Bridal Sash – Etsy
  
• Purple Balloons – Party City
• Oh Shit Kit – Amazon
• Drink Pouches – Amazon
• Chow Crown – Amazon
• Penis Gummies – Amazon