Instagram’s really out here exposing me right now. Also, what religion is this and how do I convert???

Name a better duo than strawberries and rhubarb. I’ll wait.

Recipe here.

Hosmer, baby! 💛

Can someone postmate me garlic fries???

It looks like we’ll be quarantining well into summer, so I’ve officially stopped working on my bikini bod and started carbo-loading for winter.

This homemade pasta and alfredo sauce combo was *chef’s kiss*

I got a tiny picnic table for the squirrels who visit my parents’ backyard, and my mom texting me pics of them eating and enjoying the view has been the highlight of my day.

This is where I’m at in quarantine, guys.

I’ve been working from home for four months now with no distractions (besides my neighbor’s car alarm that goes off, without fail, at least twice a day every time a leaf falls on it). With news this week that California is rolling back reopenings and kids won’t be returning to classrooms in the fall, this quarantine seems far from over. Hang in there, mamas!

My neighbors are douchier than yours.

Views and ‘cue on this 4th of July!

(via @heatherland_iaintdoinit)

I need you to be on this level if you’re going to watch the annual hot dog eating contest with me (I’m talking to you, Pamela Jean. Look alive!).

Stay safe, LA 🖤

Stoked that I don’t have an STD don’t have to work this weekend!

Shi thinks I’m attracted to anyone with a beard, and she ain’t wrong. Also, why is this the second convo I’ve had about 90 Day Fiancé today???

This lockdown has only made my department busier than ever, and I’ve been losing my mind working 12-hour days and being cooped up in my studio for nearly two months now. I’ve been in such a mood lately, and yet, my sister postmated me coffee bean and breakfast to make my life easier, my dear friend sent me cookies from across the country, and on the drive home from grocery shopping in Long Beach today, I witnessed this pink ass sunset. I really needed these little reminders that I have a good life and this shit is just temporary. Sorry for everything I said while in quarantine! XOXO

I had a lot of random jobs in my twenties, and for a brief window in 2004, I was a barista at Starbucks. It was a second job I picked up during the holidays for extra cash, and not one I stayed at very long. That was probably the last time I made my own coffee, and definitely the last time I woke up at four in the morning on purpose! Ha.

I mostly caffeinate with canned cold brew these days, but sometimes I’ll indulge in my most favorite iced coffee ever—Blue Bottle New Orleans. At $4 a pop, it’s not something I have on my everyday shopping list (a girl’s gotta pay her rent, after all). But they sell their cold brew kit online and are offering free shipping right now, so I thought why the hell not? What else do I have going on six weeks deep into this quarantine???

This homemade cold brew turned out way better than any coffee I ever made at Starbucks, and I didn’t even have to wake up before the sun to enjoy it. Win-win.

You guys, this quarantine is really domesticating us.

Also, never have I ever texted / facetimed / zoomed so much in my goddamn life. I can’t promise that this blog won’t devolve into just screenshots of me talking to people. Fair warning.

I’m one revision away from breaking some muthafuckin’ knees! Just kidding (please don’t furlough me).

Legit traded two rolls of toilet paper for a breakfast burrito from Tacos Tu Madre.

If anyone wants to pick me up some short ribs from APL BBQ in Hollywood, I have some TP and other provisions I’m willing to barter!

Is it even Easter if I don’t use the bunny filter when we facetime today???

I put on my brows for this happy hour, but I did not put on my pants.

Yeah, me and the girls def have to sit this one out LOL!

I blame my love of questionable meat and going commando. Or maybe it’s just my fun, approachable vibe. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Which Tiger King personality are you???

Sameer of Young the Giant played a solo acoustic show for Twitch Stream Aid and performed my most favorite song from when they were still called The Jakes. Also, I have that same case study planter, so it’s basically like he was singing to me in my apartment.

Add one of my ex’s becoming my parents’ mailman to the list of bizarre things to happen in 2020.

This billboard looks like the first thing I created in photoshop circa 1996. Has anyone else reached the Tiger King segment of their quarantine yet???

Kevin Garrett – Love You Less

There’s a place where we’re together
That’s what I’ll keep on telling myself

I love that artists are live streaming from their living rooms during this lockdown, partly because I’ve missed going out to shows, but mostly because I get to cry sing as loud as I want in the privacy of my own home.

Watch the full live stream here.

Finally an office with a window! I could get used to working from home…

Now if I only had a bidet, a lifetime subscription to Freshly, and a peloton bike, I’d never have to leave my apartment! Just kidding (like I would ever use a peloton bike).

See you clowns on Zoom!

Literally me in the bread aisle at Ralphs today. All it took was a global pandemic for LA to start eating gluten again.

Welp, I guess I’ll be cooped up at home indefinitely now. It’s only day 4, and I’ve already eaten all my quarantine snacks!

Because I didn’t get enough coronavirus exposure during my recent visit to Seattle, I’ve spent the last few weeks traveling through the Philippines.

I’m back home now where I’ll be self-quarantining and working remotely for the next 14 days! If anyone needs me, I’ll just be in my apartment tending to my sunburn and wishing I was back on a yacht off the coast of El Nido instead of here in LA where it’s raining outside.

If you’re reading this, please send Jollibee.

Yeah, I probably should’ve gone grocery shopping before I left for vacation in the middle of a pandemic.

(@ Whole Foods, El Segundo)

(@ Target, Manhattan Beach)

(@ Ralphs, Manhattan Beach)

On my flight to Seattle, the flight attendant was walking down the aisle greeting everyone happy valentine’s day when he stopped in front of me and asked, “Are you traveling alone?” I said that I was, and he was like, “Can you switch seats so that this couple can sit together?” I meannn.

Morning view (@ Hyatt House)

Blown away (@ Chihuly Garden and Glass)

This museum was across the street from our hotel and so worth the visit! I’ve always admired Chihuli’s sculptures in Vegas, but his featured work here is incredible. The way he transforms glass is pure poetry.

Seattle is so fetch (@ Cobb’s Popcorn)

The stickiest of the icky (@ The Gum Wall)

We stood in a long ass line that wrapped around the building for this chowder… or shall I say Pammie stood in a long ass line while I was off buying crab claw pens at a souvenir shop (@ Pike Place Chowder)

I actually forgot that I had eaten here during my first trip to Seattle… We only tried the New England style chowder, and I didn’t think it was anything to write home about. If you’ve had the chowder from Boudin’s or Blue Bayou or even the cafe downstairs at my work on Fridays, you aren’t missing much.

Skip the chowder line and head across the street instead (@ Beecher’s Handmade Cheese)

Between the mac and cheese, grilled cheese, poutin and cheese samples, I was in heaven! Although no one should ever consume all that dairy in one sitting. Don’t ask me how I know.

Ooh baby, I like it rawww 🎶 (@ Elliot’s Oyster House)

One last stop under the bridge! Till next time, Seattle (@ Fremont Troll)

My coworker Luis came up to me this morning with his cup of grapes and was all like, “Is that your breakfast???”

In unrelated news, I had a salad for lunch today.

BRB crying in my car.

Title Track (@ The Hotel Cafe)

I try to catch Kevin Garrett whenever he’s in LA, and this was by far my favorite show of his. Love this intimate venue.

The last time Christine was my wingwoman, I ended up roofied at The Waterfront! Was it her fault or the mocktails? Who really is to blame???

I love that Christine’s birthday is so close to mine, especially when her husband throws her a surprise party at my favorite BBQ spot! (@ Grand Ole BBQ)

The girls gave me the best gift ever: music and travel! I can’t wait to see Tame Impala in Portland!!!

Thanks to Chel, Christine and the old man in a hawaiian shirt at the bar for buying me all those birthday drinks (and even more thanks to Alicia for picking my ass up and Ray for driving my car home).

When the clock struck midnight on my birthday, I was two burritos deep and lying on the floor at Alicia’s house. This is 38, guys.

I’m just gonna watch this tube dude for the rest of the day.

That’s a wrap on 2019!

Let’s get blitzen, y’all…

“You smell like beef and cheese alcohol.”

Cuevas family gone wild!

This is what happens when you hide a $20 bill inside a roll of costco saran wrap and tell everyone there’s $100 in there LOL!

One hour and two broken nails later…

It wouldn’t be the holidays if my grandma didn’t lose $50 playing bingo and and curse like a sailor while doing so! Ha.

The holidays aren’t the same without you, bud 💔

BRB postmates is outside with my seafood risotto.

…or me when my bff’s family was done going around the table saying what they were all thankful for, and her 6-year-old daughter says, “Now let’s say what we hate about each other.”

I find this kid equally amusing and terrifying.

If anyone needs me, I’ll just be out here waiting for this turkey to deep fry and my druncle to stop asking me why I’m not married yet.

Happy holidays from the 405!

One month till Christmas!

Let’s get some fuckin’ french toast (@ Republique)

Roger is my spirit animal.

Sylvan Esso – Coffee (@ Walt Disney Concert Hall)

Last show of the year at my new favorite venue ❤️

I got to try the elusive Popeyes chicken sandwich, and I didn’t even have to wait in line or get stabbed to death! It only cost me 15,000 Southwest points (@ McCarran Airport)

Adding to my list of dating requirements:

– Must be born before I started high school
– Must be less sloppy than me (if only slightly)

Just kidding (the beard is non-negotiable).

Still waiting for someone to passive-aggressively address my new neighbor’s affinity for indian food and techno music.

Same.

I miss you already, bud 💔💔💔

9/1/05 – 10/7/19

Ohana Fest (@ Doheny State Beach)

This is the third time I’ve seen The Strokes and probably my last. Julian’s a mess! During one of the songs, he forgot the lyrics, walked off the stage and sang, “I don’t want to play in this place anymore.” The show wasn’t done yet, but he sure was.

They just finished a new album and are probably gearing up to tour next year. As much as I love their music, I don’t know that I would see them live again. If you can, catch them twenty years ago in NYC!

Sake on Sunset with Deane and Sarah (@ Night + Market Weho)

John Mayer – Edge of Desire (@ The Forum)

Don’t say a word, just come over and lie here with me
‘Cause I’m just about to set fire to everything I see
I want you so bad I’ll go back on the things I believe
There I just said it, I’m scared you’ll forget about me

The last time I saw John Mayer was at the Hollywood Bowl in 2007 before I moved to LA. Twelve years later, he still makes that same guitar face me feel all the feels.

Can I get a Clearly Canadian to wash down these tofu balls? (@ Button Mash)

Andy Grammer – I Am Yours (@ The Wiltern)

I’ve been lost, I’ve been found
But I know who I am now
I am yours

Aloha! It’s been a busy month since I got back from Hawaii, but my paradise playlist is still in heavy rotation, and I’ve been dreaming about that island life ever since…

It was hard waking up to this view every morning, but I managed somehow (@ Timbers Kauai Ocean Club)

First things first (@ Hualani’s)

Excuse me, miss? There seems to be a mistake. I believe I ordered the large shave ice. Hello! (@ Skinny Mike’s Ice Cream & Shave Ice)

Two things you should know about me:

1. I will reference So I Married an Axe Murderer till the day I die.

2. I stay ready with that mini Tajin in my purse.

Congrats to my dear friends, Donna and David! I had originally planned to go to Chicago for Lollapalooza that week, but I went to Kauai for their vow renewal instead and had the greatest time!

I was still in high school when they first got married twenty years ago. If my sister and I were running late to class, we’d skip first period and hang out at their apartment instead. Donna was a bad influence on us then, and she still is today! Ha. She dared me to jump off a cliff into the kids’ pool at the resort we were staying at. She jumped first, but she’s also a foot shorter than me! I’m pretty sure my tailbone is still at the bottom of the keiki pool, you guys.

Touring the Na Pali Coast by boat was my most favorite part of this trip!

We got up close and personal with dolphins, snorkeled with sea turtles, and explored these amazing sea caves. Shoutout to Captain Kalen of Blue Ocean Adventure Tours for the dope playlist and all the laughs! Def book a tour with them if you’re ever in Kauai.

This raft tour was pretty wild. You basically sit on the side of an inflatable zodiac boat with nothing but a rope over your foot and the hand of God keeping you in as you zip up the coast at crazy speeds!

I was surprised Pammie agreed to join me because she is notorious for getting sea sick (Caborette Booze Cruise 2015, anyone?). She thought she fully prepared herself this time around, but no amount of ginger pills, essential oils, sea-bands or prayers could keep her from getting sick. All things considered, she and her husband still had fun!

This magical bamboo forest led us to the lazy river where we went mountain tubing.

They all float (@ Kauai Backcountry Adventures)

If you’ve never gone tubing down an old sugar plantation irrigation system, then I really don’t know what you’re doing with your life.

We hit up this hole in the wall, Hamura Saimin, after Jessie told us it was her husband’s favorite restaurant in Kauai. While we were waiting for a table, I noticed Jason Momoa’s kids in line next to us (because I’m a creep and I know what his kids look like). They were accompanied by a local who was super friendly with everyone in the restaurant. We were seated at a communal table next to them when Jason Momoa strolled in and sat down behind me! I started sweating, partly because I was eating hot noodle soup in the humidest place on earth, but mostly because I was sitting back to back with Khal fuckin’ Drogo, and I could feel his goddamn body heat!

My friends stayed in Kauai longer than us and saw him two more times! I knew I should’ve extended my vacation…

This LA humidity is prepping me for Hawaii, you guys.

3 more days!!!