I love me some graphic novels! And I’m not talking about the kind with pictures ;) Ha.

I read the entire Fifty Shades trilogy in three days, and I don’t know what to do with myself now. I have a weakness for the brooding, sadistic type (don’t judge me!), so if anyone has any book suggestions (or knows any actual brooding sadists haha) then send those bad boys my way!

I’ve had to choose between sleeping and reading these past few nights, and the latter always prevails.

I was roped into participating in an office juice cleanse. I wasn’t sure what to expect, and it kind of feels like the first day of school. Minus the fact that you get to eat solid foods that day. I’m pretty sure we’re all going to hate each other by EOD.

I read Fifty Shades of Grey almost immediately after I heard that Ian Somerhalder—a permanent resident in my freebie five—might play the lead in the film adaptation. Also, the mention of a ’sex chamber’ may or may not have swayed my decision.

My heart would explode if any of these guys got picked to play Christian Grey (left to right: Ian Somerhalder, Wes Bentley, Matt Bomer):

Clearly, I have a type!

I finished reading the book in less than 24 hours. Never has a book left me so satiated… It’s so jaw-droppingly sexy that I’m not sure how they’re going to make it a movie without it being illegal in some small countries!

I wish my friends would read it already so I could have someone to discuss it with. This must be how those b’s felt about me and Breaking Dawn—I’ve been trying to finish the last book of the Twilight saga since 2008, but all my attempts to read it end with me throwing it across the room in hysterics.

On to Fifty Shades Darker! Laters, baby ;)

Most nights before I go to bed, I will lay six strips of bacon out on my George Foreman grill. Then I go to sleep. When I wake up, I plug in the grill. I go back to sleep again. Then I wake up to the smell of crackling bacon. It is delicious, it’s good for me, it’s the perfect way to start the day. Today I got up, I stepped onto the grill, and it clamped down on my foot… that’s it. I don’t see what’s so hard to believe about that.

When I woke up to the smell of bacon this morning, I was thrilled—until I realized it was the smell of my thigh burning.

I fell asleep with my laptop on my bed last night, and Macbook Pros are notorious for running ridiculously hot. But since I’m a heavy sleeper who needs three alarms to wake up, I didn’t even flinch when the power adapter came in contact with my bare thigh and gave me a crazy second-degree burn! It’s pretty gnarly, and I can’t wear pants for the next week or so.

Oh, well. I don’t like wearing pants anyway.

Pammie and I made these maple bacon donut holes for her fiance’s birthday tomorrow!

Pinterest is slowly domesticating me, one recipe at a time…

I get that a lot.

I’m probably not going to reblog New Girl gifs for the rest of the night. But also… I might. 

They just aired the season finale of New Girl. Let the ugly crying commence!

That awkward moment when you realize you were listening to Taylor Swift when your private session timed out on Spotify.

Taylor Swift – Last Kiss

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All that I know is I don’t know how to be someone you miss

I went outside to grab something from my car when some creeper who works a few warehouses down tried to hit on me. He said that he has seen me around and has been meaning to introduce himself, all while staring at my chest! I hadn’t had any coffee yet, and I was not in the mood to be ogled. I told him I needed to get back to work, and he told my chest to come visit him anytime. Ugh. I truly wonder if he felt that went well.

I’m going to file this encounter under ‘reasons I need a new job,’ along with having to buy dental groupons because my work doesn’t provide basic dental insurance.

RUSSELL: Look, Jess, I’ve already done the crazy, explosive passion thing. When I was with Ouli, it was like edging closer and closer to a wood chipper… I’m not looking for that anymore.
JESS: I understand. But I am. And I want passion. Even if it’s harder and hurts more.

I made these portabello pizza bites, and they were so good that I almost forgot that I ruined my Calphalon pan broiling these bad boys. Almost.

Camisole (China Glaze) + Only Gold For Me (Sephora by OPI)

I’m obsessed with this top coat!

I was totally prepared to go home and google a youtube tutorial on how to change the dead bulb in my headlight, but the guy at O’Reilly Auto Parts went above and beyond and fixed it for me. I thought he offered to help me because I went there straight from the gym and my ass looks phenomenal in yoga pants, but after reading their yelp reviews, it sounds like it’s customary for them to go out of their way to help! Ha. Especially when a clueless girl comes in and says, “My headlight went out in my Matrix… Do you think I need, like, a light bulb or something?”

I designed this simple save the date for my dear friend Trace and her fiancé Gary ♥

More from my design portfolio here.

Dat F sharp.

I baked these cookie dough brownies for my boss’ baby shower at work today. I don’t plan on eating any of them, but I’m sure I gained 3 pounds just thinking about it.

Also, I’m skipping the gym tonight. This has nothing and everything to do with brownies, but I mostly just wanted to get that off my chest.

Sandwiches and sex? I want that.

Nick Miller is my soulmate.

Is it just me, or does everyone else’s room get a little dusty whenever they watch google chrome commercials?

Considering I just spent 100% of my weekend being a fatass, spending 4% of my day at the gym was a small price to pay! Now excuse me while I go cry myself to sleep out of hunger. I didn’t get my ass handed to me during kickboxing for nothing!

A man fishes for two reasons: he’s either sport fishing or fishing to eat, which means he’s either going to try to catch the biggest fish he can, take a picture of it, admire it with his buddies and toss it back to sea, or he’s going to take that fish on home, scale it, fillet it, toss it in some cornmeal, fry it up, and put it on his plate. This, I think, is a great analogy for how men seek out women. It’s not the guy who determines whether you’re a sports fish or a keeper—it’s you. Every word you say, every move you make, every signal you give to a man will help him determine whether he should try to play you, be straight with you, or move on to the next woman to do a little more sport fishing.

Mr. Hightower speaks an insane amount of truth.

I have found my new spiritual leader. Teach me your ways, oh wise one.

My ex invited me to his birthday party next weekend where he plans to resurrect the infamous rocket. I’m pretty sure I left my beer bonging days where I left my ex-boyfriend… in 2005 where they belong!

The Dear Hunter – Home

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I was listening to FM 94/9 broadcast live from Coachella on the drive home from work today when I heard The Dear Hunter for the first time and thought… why am I not at Coachella again???

I think it’s partly because I thought Outside Lands would have a similar lineup, but mostly because I don’t like camping outdoors and not showering for three days.

Hotel next year, anyone?

I’ve eased up on the concerts lately to save money for that trip to Outside Lands! Now that I’m not going anymore, I regret not buying tickets to see Jason Mraz & Christina Perri. They still have tickets available, but none of them are in the pit!

There are two things you should know about me:

1. I don’t do nosebleeds.
2. I always find a way to score awesome seats. Even if I have to sleep outside a Ritmo Latino to get them. Just kidding. I haven’t done that since I was 17.

Christina Perri – Distance (feat. Jason Mraz)

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How long can we keep this up, up, up?
And I keep waiting…

Um, WTF Outside Lands? After Bonnaroo, Lollapalooza and Coachella announced similar (amazing!) lineups, I was sure you would follow suit. But Stevie Wonder? Neil Young? Okay so maybe I wouldn’t mind seeing the Foo Fighters. Or Santigold. Or Franz Ferdinand. But not for $165 plus hotel and airfare to SF. Never have twelve syllables hurt me so much to say, but NOT EVEN YOUNG THE GIANT COULD SAVE THIS LINEUP! I should have went to Coachella. At least I would have seen Radiohead. And Tupac’s hologram. Boo whore.

In other news, Incubus and Linkin Park are touring together, and their last show is here in SD! My 19-year-old self is punching the air in excitement.

Today, I got off Pinterest long enough to actually make this Spicy Shrimp Fried Rice recipe that I pinned, and I managed to do it without burning the house down!

I don’t even know who I am right now.

Last night’s happy hour turned into eight hours of sangria swirl margaritas at La Puerta, sake snow cones at Gaijin, beers at Blind Lady Ale House, and vodka at The Ould Sod.

I def won’t be drinking tonight… or maybe ever again.

…although it’s questionable how publicly acceptable I look when I’m not at home!

Apparently, while I’m at work gchatting with my friends (which is frequently—unless my boss is reading this, in which case it’s occasionally and only on nights and weekends), they’re at home wearing mascara while I’m out in public without a stitch of makeup on.

God forbid I run into the love of my life at Starbucks while wearing my yoga pants that, if we’re being honest, have never been worn to yoga.

Adam Levine’s supermodel girlfriend dumped him and his delicious beard ten days ago, and I’m just finding out about it now???

Clearly, I’m following the wrong people on Twitter.

I may or may not have followed this guy home after work today.

Unless it’s mad, passionate, extraordinary love, it’s a waste of your time. There are too many mediocre things in life. Love shouldn’t be one of them.

Via Slowly, But Shirley:

He said that you told him how much you love me. About how you feel when I walk in a room. About how you’ve never doubted for a second that I’m the woman you want to spend the rest of your life with. And I guess he had never felt that way with my mom, even at their best. There’s usually a scene in all my favorite shows that never fails to get me all choked up… like this scene from The Office where they explain how Jim’s feelings about Pam is what caused Pam’s dad to decide to leave her mom. Sometimes getting a taste of how things should be makes you realize you’re in the wrong place…

I wanted to have red puffy paint blood dripping from the easter eggs, but I thought the bloody zombie bunny was morbid enough for my favorite 8-year-old. Maybe next year.

Christ promised a resurrection of the dead. I just thought he had something different in mind.

Quote of the night:

Nobody needs to see your belly button trail, happy or sad!

I finally had dinner with my favorite b’s last night! It’s so hard to get everyone together when we’re all so busy planning imaginary weddings on pinterest taking care of babies, studying for CPA exams, training for marathons, playing soccer, and testing “social experiments” ;) Some of us don’t even have time to shower! LOL!

I usually try to go hard on my days off, but I just ended up going to the DMV, having brunch at The Mission, playing with my favorite frenchie, and calling it a night at 9:30. What has my life come to?

DAVE: You might not meet not somebody tonight, but you will meet someone.
PENNY: You promise?
DAVE: Yes… as long as you promise to stop slobbering all over the champagne.
PENNY: I can’t promise that.

This pretty much sums up my summer plans.

Justin Bieber – Boyfriend

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Half of my facebook friends announced their pregnancies today.

Way to steal my thunder, bitches.

Why else would I be working out on a Sunday morning?

I’m so happy that all my friends are getting married this year, I’m not even jealous. Except for at night when I’m in my closet eating ice cream alone.

It’s hard to binge drink and still mind your calories. I was hoping that Skinnygirl Margarita would bridge that divide, but I’m pretty sure it was made to test my gag reflex!

I’m screwed.

Alex Kerkovich is officially living my life.

GPOY.

I instantly regret wearing jeans instead of leggings to work today. How can I stuff my face with Phil’s BBQ when my clothes are so binding?

This is pretty much how I approach telling someone that we can never be together.

Fuck, I love me some Seneca Crane. Any chance those were non-toxic berries at the end of the movie?