mayanrocks » diet
Bet.
Tuesday, September 29, 2015

the office kelly kapoor juice cleanse

…or me on a juice cleanse.

I’m doing it partly in preparation for all the BBQ and bad decisions I’ll be making in Austin next week, but mostly because I bet Anthony that I could lose twenty pounds by the time we went to ACL or I’d pay for his BBQ at Franklin. These last five pounds can’t be zumba’d off in a week, so I made a game-time decision to bring my juicer out of retirement yesterday.

I can’t wait to go on vacation! And also eat solid food again.

The Instagram Diet.
Tuesday, July 7, 2015

amy schumer janeane garofalo the instagram diet amy schumer janeane garofalo the instagram diet
amy schumer janeane garofalo the instagram diet amy schumer janeane garofalo the instagram diet

…or my belated attempt at getting that summer bods ready for Cabo.

10 more days!!!

1,000,000,000/1,000,000.
Wednesday, February 4, 2015

the mindy project - blood pressure gif the mindy project - blood pressure gif
the mindy project - blood pressure gif the mindy project - blood pressure gif
the mindy project - blood pressure gif the mindy project - blood pressure gif

Accurate.

When your coworker doesn’t even recognize you…
Wednesday, May 7, 2014

new girl - nick miller gif - i mean i'm not doing squats or anything. i'm just trying to eat less donuts.

Futile.
Sunday, March 30, 2014

shadow-writer:

The act of trying to forget someone is a futile one. In order to do so, you are forced to remember. It’s like dieting. Like trying your hardest not to think about food, while weighing every ounce and counting every calorie.

I’m terrible at both.

Serious.
Wednesday, January 8, 2014

the mindy project - danny castellano is my trainer the mindy project - danny castellano is my trainer the mindy project - danny castellano is my trainer
Happy Dance.
Monday, November 25, 2013

celebrate reaction gif dancing

28 pounds lighter and $175 richer!

This was me winning second place at my work’s weight-loss challenge last Friday. It’s a good thing I didn’t win first, because you wouldn’t be able to handle those dance moves!

I lost to some corporate lawyer who donated his winnings to a children’s hospital. Way to make me feel like an asshole! Ha. I already spent my share on Young the Giant tickets!

Pressed Juicery.
Wednesday, November 20, 2013

pressed juicery manhattan beach

Nothing says “I live in Manhattan Beach” quite like drinking pressed juice for lunch. All I need are some Lululemon pants and a jogging stroller.

Food Porn.
Sunday, October 13, 2013

freelance work

Partly to fund my Amazon addiction, but mostly because I hate myself, I picked up some freelance work designing eblasts for a cooking website during the holidays. I can feel my stomach eating itself looking at all this food porn right now…

Won’t Stop.
Wednesday, October 9, 2013

Won't Stop Flower Poster Art Print by Bag Fry

All I see is ‘wonton soup’. God, I’m so hungry. And Asian.

Gluten-Free Banana Bread.
Wednesday, October 2, 2013

homemade gluten-free banana bread

I followed this gluten-free banana bread recipe, but I cleaned it up by subbing coconut oil for canola oil and agave nectar for sugar. I don’t really have much of a sweet tooth (ignore my contradictory donut post below), but this was def worth writing home about.

GPOY.
Wednesday, October 2, 2013

mindy god i want a donut gif

My coworker brought in Randy’s Donuts this morning because she wants to ruin my life, obviously.

Portobello Pizza.
Sunday, September 29, 2013

margherita portobello pizza

These mini mushroom pizzas satisfied my cravings!
No more Valentino’s for me…

breaking bad throw pizza on roof

Sweet Sabotage.
Monday, September 23, 2013

cronuts

Just came back from my low fat, low carb, gluten-free lunch to this email from the cafe at work. HOW DARE YOU, SKECHERS.

Sometimes I think about how much I love cronuts, and I cry a little.

Currently.
Monday, September 23, 2013

get me a pizza gif

Holiday Weight.
Sunday, September 22, 2013

friends - joey ross - holiday weight friends - joey ross - holiday weight

My work is hosting its third weight loss challenge this year, and I’m joining for the third time! It ends the week before Thanksgiving… just in time to gain some holiday weight go shopping with my winnings ;) I’ve also decided to go gluten-free during the contest! Yikes. Thank yeezus for gluten-free vodka! I’m gonna need it…

Challenge Accepted.
Thursday, January 10, 2013

weight loss challenge

kevin hart - it's about to go down

Too Late.
Sunday, October 28, 2012

someecards beach diet

Or your sister’s wedding in two weeks…

Error.
Saturday, September 1, 2012

you are what you eat - i need to eat a skinny person

Pammie’s wedding is only ten weeks away!

My maid of honor dress has no room for error. And I’m just gonna tell you right now… there’s a lot of error.

Happy Monday, Internet.
Monday, July 30, 2012

When I got into work this morning, Jesse had me watch this video of the Miami Dolphins cheerleaders lip syncing to ‘Call Me Maybe’ in bikinis.

I immediately regretted everything I ate this past weekend in life and cried into my bowl of oatmeal. With ground flaxseed. And two splendas.

Ben & Jerry’s & Celery.
Thursday, July 26, 2012

ben and jerry's late night snack jimmy fallon

If I’m going to participate in that office juicing potluck tomorrow (don’t ask), I’m going to have my way with Ben and Jerry tonight!

Midnight Hour.
Friday, May 25, 2012

happy hour midnight hour

Last night, I did two things I haven’t done in a long time—I went to happy hour with Kelley (who I haven’t seen in four years!), and I ate solid foods.

It was glorious.

Someone at the bar thought I was 21 (bless their heart) and told me that I had beautiful skin! My inner goddess swayed in a gentle victorious samba. Clearly, I’ve been reading too much Fifty Shades.

Cleanse.
Tuesday, May 15, 2012

happy endings penny hartz cleanse suicide happy endings penny hartz cleanse suicide
happy endings penny hartz cleanse suicide

I was roped into participating in an office juice cleanse. I wasn’t sure what to expect, and it kind of feels like the first day of school. Minus the fact that you get to eat solid foods that day. I’m pretty sure we’re all going to hate each other by EOD.

Portobello Pizza Bites.
Wednesday, May 2, 2012

portobello pizza minis

I made these portobello pizza bites, and they were so good that I almost forgot that I ruined my Calphalon pan broiling these bad boys. Almost.

Cookie Dough Brownies.
Friday, April 27, 2012

cookie dough brownies

I baked these cookie dough brownies for my boss’ baby shower at work today. I don’t plan on eating any of them, but I’m sure I gained 3 pounds just thinking about it.

Also, I’m skipping the gym tonight. This has nothing and everything to do with brownies, but I mostly just wanted to get that off my chest.

Skinnygirl.
Friday, March 30, 2012

skinny girl margarita - someecards skinny booze

It’s hard to binge drink and still mind your calories. I was hoping that Skinnygirl Margarita would bridge that divide, but I’m pretty sure it was made to test my gag reflex!

new girl spit

Unkind.
Sunday, November 6, 2011

i'm sorry about the unkind words i spoke out of hunger - someecards

Low blood sugar is not a good color on me.

Porto’s.
Saturday, October 22, 2011

porto's cheese rolls

Whoever said that nothing tastes as good as thin feels has never had a Porto’s cheese roll, obvi. But I didn’t go to the gym at an unholy hour on a Saturday just to offset my workout by inhaling one of these delicious treats… that my aunt brought me from LA… that I probably won’t have again till Thanksgiving. Or Christmas. Or 2012.

Damage control.
Thursday, August 4, 2011

torrey pines beach hipstamatic

It’s hard to complain about exercising with a view like this…

Yesterday, I hiked at Torrey Pines with Shi, and I was DYING. I haven’t worked out in… what month is it now? My exercise ball has been sitting in the backseat of my car as a constant reminder that I haven’t worked out since Arlene moved to Monterey. I weighed myself yesterday to assess the damage, and I’ve only gained 6 pounds, surprisingly. I was expecting upwards of 15 or 20, but I guess it’s hard to tell if my clothes are fitting tighter when I’ve been getting all this mileage out of my leggings! Ha. I’m finally back on the grind, though. Arlene pretty much threatened my life before she left town, and I don’t doubt she would cut me if I gained back all that weight she helped me lose.

My goal is to look better at 30 than I did at 21. Considering I wore brown chola lip liner when I was 21, I’d say this goal may have already been reached. Ha.

Untouched & Unused.
Tuesday, July 26, 2011

jesse jt's

Yesterday, I brought my lunch and gym clothes to work.

My untouched ground turkey is still sitting in the fridge because Mary and I had 25¢ wings at JT’s instead, and my unused gym clothes are still neatly folded in the trunk of my car because Christian wanted to go to happy hour.

My work’s proximity to the bar is clearly foiling my plans to eat better and work out.

Forgiven.
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
10:41 AM Jesse: you look mad skinny
  i really noticed when you came over to help out angela
  i thought it was someone else!
10:42 AM me: thanks, man :) coming from someone who sees me 40 hours a week, it’s nice that you noticed!
10:43 AM Jesse: for sure! lookin good :)

In related news, Jesse is officially forgiven for writing this love note on my car:

dirty car windshield

The Biggest Loser Winner. Again.
Sunday, May 1, 2011

blc winner

Don’t say @DearMare didn’t warn you ;)

8 weeks, 1200 calories/day, 2 workouts/day, 42 pounds lost and $407 gained, bitches!

Ladies, you’re doing yourself a serious disservice if you think that a man can ever beat you in anything. Who cares whether or not they lose weight faster than you? Work harder, and show them that there’s nothing a man can do that a woman can’t do better, backwards and in high heels. TWICE!

Meet Extreme Meat.
Wednesday, April 27, 2011

post blc food

Once this @MindzAlike #BLC ends this Sunday, I’m going to stuff myself with meat.

And then I’m going to eat at these restaurants:

  1. Crab Hut – Full house/medium shrimp will be my VICTORY meal (yeah, I said it!)
  2. Pizza Port – Meet Extreme Meat pizza and a beer
  3. Hodad’s – Bacon Cheeseburger Basket (my #1 craving these past 8 weeks)
  4. Sarita’s – Carne asada fries from my favorite taco shop in the valley
  5. Phil’s BBQ – Beefy Rib Tickler
  6. Shik Do Rak – AYCE KBBQ that’s worth driving up to the OC for

One restaurant a week, of course. I’m still trying to get bikini tankini ready by summer!

Blasphemy.
Thursday, April 7, 2011

chez nous san diego spicy chicken melt special salad

Going to Chez Nous and not getting a spicy chicken melt is like going to Outback and not getting steak. Today, I did both.

My coworker’s husband brought me a fruit salad for lunch instead of my usual spicy chicken melt, and for a delicious second, I thought that the nectarine strips were fries. After work, I went to Outback for Alicia’s birthday dinner and ate grilled fish while everyone (including the 7-year-old sitting next to me) ate steak.

I don’t even know who I am anymore.

The ultimate celebratory meal.
Friday, March 25, 2011

the holiday - i just want to eat carbs without wanting to kill myself - cameron diaz

Today was especially rough.

I was sitting here after my workout, watching Unwrapped: Sandwiches on the Food Network (torture, I know). They featured the Grilled Cheese Invitational in LA, and I decided that this event would be well deserved after the @MindzAlike #BLC was over. I googled it, and of course it’s happening the weekend before this BLC ends! Boo whore. That would have been the ultimate celebratory meal.

Five weeks left, and I’m on top with over 20 pounds lost. Those delicious grilled cheese sandwiches will just have to wait till next year…

Rue!
Saturday, March 19, 2011

grey's anatomy - season 6x02 - callie that's right i said rue

Me: they’re in for a serious rude awakening at the weigh-in tomorrow
Pammie: they’re gonna rue the day they met us bitches! rue!

Between the two of us, Pammie and I have lost over 25* pounds in this @MindzAlike #BLC so far! We don’t fuck around.

Six weeks to catch up, suckas.

*Update – 3/20/2011: 30 pounds now ;) What a difference a two-a-day can make…

Sacrifice.
Tuesday, March 15, 2011

crab hut check ins foursquare yelp

Anthony: crab hut tomorrow?
Me: i can’t :( i have a weigh-in this weekend.
Anthony: let me know when this contest that appears to be ruining your life is over and we can go to crab hut. i mean, i can only go there in the company of celebs, such as those who have their pic on the wall.

The fact that I’m willing to risk my Crab Hut mayorship and dukedom alone should strike fear in the eyes of my fellow @MindzAlike #BLC participants.

Routine.
Sunday, March 13, 2011

starbucks cupcakes

Oh, Starbucks… you and your complimentary mini cupcakes can’t break me. I’ll stick to my zero calorie iced green tea with two splendas, thank you very much.

Between going to the gym at an ungodly hour, working 9-5, and circuit training with Arlene after work, I barely have enough time and energy to take a shower and do some light internet stalking before I cry myself to sleep at night out of hunger.

This pretty much sums up the next seven weeks of my life. FML.

Carbo-load.
Friday, March 4, 2011

torpasta devine pastabilities

Garlic parm fries + spaghetti and meatball torpasta from Devine Pastabilities FTW.

I’ve been carbo-loading this whole week in preparation for the @MindzAlike #BLC initial weigh-in on Sunday.

I plan on winning all your monies, bitches. The only thing I ever lose is pounds ;)

It was a bathing suit bottom!
Monday, July 5, 2010

Two trips to the fair last week left me with fierce tan lines and an even fiercer waistline. I’m sure my special relationship with bacon last month didn’t help, either. Today’s a new day, though. I don’t have a particular goal in mind… No upcoming wedding to lose three dress sizes for. No birthday party for another ex-boyfriend… A belated attempt to wear a bathing suit in public, perhaps? (I wear my chones around anyone who will let me—is that not the same thing?) I suppose I have to do it for myself this time. Here goes nothing…

Booyah.
Friday, June 25, 2010

It’s officially summer, and for the 28th year in a row, I’m not ready for all this sunlight. Thankfully, I’ve moved out of my non air-conditioned apartment that I nearly melted in last year, so I won’t have any sudden urges to punch a baby in this heat. Being healthy isn’t enough motivation to lose weight for me. I entered a biggest loser competition at work last year, lost 20 pounds and won by less than 1% (suck it, Calvin!). And I did it all for just bragging rights and a celebratory croissant. I used to play Bejeweled Blitz religiously on Facebook just because whenever I’d beat someone’s score, it sent them a notification saying, “Booyah! Mayan fucking beat you, bitch.” Okay maybe it didn’t say fucking. Or bitch. Or booyah… but it still notified them, okay? Get off me. I would really like to get fit, so I need someone to compete with. And not someone like Jay who works out once a week while I’m pulling two-a-days… It can’t be that easy. But I want to start after I go to the fair this Sunday. And next Friday. And possibly next Saturday… Let’s just be safe and start this thing when the fair ends after the 4th of July.

A blessing and a curse.
Friday, May 7, 2010

I’m all about good food and good drinks with good friends, and this diet is just ruining my life. I don’t even know who I am right now. Did I really say no to Cinco de Drinko at D&B’s with Jay and his coworkers AND margaritas at Ortega’s with Shi and her coworkers this week? I think the bigger question is what’s the deal with me hanging out with my friends and their coworkers??? As a general rule, I don’t go out with the people I work with. At least not since my manager’s drunken birthday disaster of 2008. Yikes. Anyway, with only six weeks left till Chel’s wedding, I’ve been eating bird portions and hitting the gym every night in a late attempt to fit into the bridesmaid dress I purposely (and over ambitiously) ordered three sizes too small. Apparently, losing 25 pounds wasn’t enough. It would’ve been, had I lost it all in my chest. As I always say, these ladies are a blessing and a curse. This sudden spike in turbo kickboxing classes has also left me with some seriously sore stems. I have to admit, walking around like I’ve just been butt-raped has been very humbling.

Confirmed.
Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Today, I’m excited because:

  1. I just bought tickets to the Neon Trees/30 Seconds to Mars show in LA.
  2. I weighed myself after a few months of dieting/exercising/losing my will to live for Chel‘s wedding, and I’ve lost 25 pounds.
  3. Shawn the stripper has been confirmed for Chel’s bachelorette/passion party.

I don’t think I have to tell you which one I’m most excited about… Anyone who knows me knows that I’ve been looking for an excuse to bring Shawn back into my life since 2005 ;)

Sweet sabotage.
Saturday, February 13, 2010

edible arrangement

I came home from the gym this morning to this chocolate covered strawberry bouquet sent from my sister and her fiancé. I smell sabotage… sweet, sweet sabotage. I didn’t work out every day this week and pull three two-a-days to indulge in dessert—I did it so I could drink my sorrows away tonight with my single friends. My sister is so thoughtful, though :) She knows how much I hate this godforsaken holiday.

Two-a-days.
Wednesday, February 10, 2010

I’ve been on this crazy diet and exercise regimen for the past few weeks in preparation for Chel’s wedding. I just don’t want to be scrambling to lose three dress sizes in May to fit into my bridesmaid dress. Its pleated waistline promises to hide any indiscretions (like that wing-eating contest you entered the night before or that Mexican you didn’t know was hiding in your uterus), but I thought I’d be on the safe side and pull some two-a-days at the gym. I took kickboxing and salsa dancing today. My kickboxing instructor kept yelling, “Throw those punches! Squeeze those glutes! You gotta look good for your man on Valentine’s Day!” And I’m thinking, the only man who’s gonna see me naked on Valentine’s Day is my masseur at Chiropractique! Boo whore. At least someone’s hands will be on me that day…

The key word in “diet” is “die.”
Monday, January 4, 2010

I have six months to find a date fit into my bridesmaid dress for Chel and Flex’s wedding. A dress that I purposely ordered three sizes too small. It’s only day one of my diet and I’m miserable. Probably from all the food I didn’t eat. And all the Coke I didn’t drink. And the migraine I’ve had since I got home from work. I’ll have to keep reminding myself that “nothing tastes as good as thin feels” whenever I get the sudden urge to sit around and eat sticks of butter from different lands. It’s gonna be a long six months.

You don’t alter Vera Wang to fit you. You alter yourself to fit Vera.

– Bride Wars
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