Add a box of girl scout cookies and you’ve got my plans for this weekend.
Anthony had me create my own profile on his Netflix account so that my chick flick recommendations wouldn’t get mixed in with his chick flick recommendations, obvi.
If only Amazon Prime had this feature so I could stop getting his beard oil recommendations for a healthier, kissable beard.
I usually enjoy being on my back, but this is getting ridic.
I’ve been living off muscle relaxers, pain killers and salon pas for the past three weeks. The cause is still unknown, but I’m pretty sure I went too hard at the Paul McCartney show! Ha.
I’ve been stressed out at work lately, and the doctor thinks I might be carrying the stress in my back. If only he could write me a doctor’s note forbidding me to work overtime. It’s the least he can do, since he won’t prescribe me more vicodin!
LA opened its first Dunkin Donuts today, so I’m halfway there, you guys!
I obviously went too hard this past weekend. Somebody soup me.
If anyone can convince me to join Tinder, it’s Djengus Roundstone.
I hope the D’s not silent…
Darien waiting for a birthday surprise or channeling his inner Pennsatucky? You decide.
The power went out in my apartment building again last week! I was already running late, and I had to go back upstairs in the dark to tell the maintenance guy to manually open the garage gate so I could get to fucking work already. This has happened three times in less than two months! And these are only the incidents that I know of, because I spend less than 50% of my time in this apartment (unless a burglar is reading this, in which case I’m home all the time. Plus I always keep my sharpest pair of fabric scissors within reach. And I’m not afraid to cut you.)
Once I get my new car situation settled, I’m moving out of this overpriced shit hole and torching it on yelp!
I may or may not have binge-watched the entire new season of Orange is the New Black this past weekend.
…or when your plans get canceled because the power went out in your apartment building, and your car is stuck in the sub garage. Again.
Danny, you know my plan in an emergency is just to count to ten and wait for death’s embrace.
Macarons, tea and my beansss!
OH MY GLOB <3 (@ Gallery 1988)
One of my randoms who I haven’t seen or responded to in five years hit me up late last night. Who does that??? Please just forget about me, just like you seem to have forgotten that you have a girlfriend and babies at home.
I’m so sick of these fucks.
Looks like I’ve locked down my birthday plans for 2014! Just kidding. The Golden Globes are also on that night.
Oh my Milo. Mob City has arrived.
Now if only I could figure out how to roast a turkey…
Donuts help you realize what’s important in life.
Morgan Tookers is every guy I’ve ever been with.
I fear for Rick’s life.
My coworker brought in Randy’s Donuts this morning because she wants to ruin my life, obviously.
got my fan letter attracts the crazies.
Even though I just started watching Breaking Bad last month, I still feel like I’ve lost a friend. A brilliant, sociopathic, meth-cooking friend.
Just Adam Levine being the light of my life as usual.
My work is hosting its third weight loss challenge this year, and I’m joining for the third time! It ends the week before Thanksgiving… just in time to
gain some holiday weight go shopping with my winnings ;) I’ve also decided to go gluten-free during the contest! Yikes. Thank yeezus for gluten-free vodka! I’m gonna need it…
Jesus Christ, Marie. It’s called twerking!
Thank you, Miley Cyrus, for reminding me why I canceled my cable. I regret nothing! Also, after binge-watching all five seasons of Breaking Bad on Netflix over the past two weeks, I can now get back to my regularly scheduled life, yo!
I love that my new Apple TV allows me to stream episodes of Modern Family from my iPad mini to my HDTV while freeing up my macbook pro for some light internet stalking.