Happy 55th birthday to one crazy broad! At her birthday dinner last weekend, our waiter thought that my mom was my sister. He also didn’t card me when I ordered my vodka. #1 How dare you? (I have the face of a goddamn minor!) #2 I hope I look as young as my mom does when I’m in my fifties!
I love that Anthony answers my butt dials while he’s out protecting our homeland, even though I don’t answer his intended calls while I’m
having a netflix marathon working! Ha.
If Anthony thought I was sleeping with someone every time I deliberately missed his calls, I would have screwed all of Manhattan Beach by now.
Either they haven’t cleaned my desk out since I left my last job (almost a year ago!), or some squatter has taken up residence underneath my old desk…
I told the bestie to tell my favorite third grader that it’s easy to get confused… sometimes I have a little bit of both in me ;) Ha! Just kidding (I’ve never have Chinese in me).
…or how I wake up my coworker when we have to work on a Saturday.
When my mom texts me to call her ASAP, I expect there to be some kind of emergency. Like my grandma is back in the hospital. Or there’s a new episode of Scandal on that night and her DVR isn’t working again. Yes, she considers that an emergency. And yes, I inherited her flair for the dramatic, obviously.
She just wanted to make sure that I got her earlier text to stop by Porto’s and bring home a dozen potato balls when I visit SD this weekend. I meannn. She also thinks that since I live in LA, I’m close to everything in LA. It will probably take me an hour to get to Porto’s after work on a Friday night! She’s lucky I love
potato balls her.
These are obviously in order from least to most important.
After working twelve hours of overtime yesterday, I deliriously spent the rest of my night listening to the new Strokes album and watching pole dancing videos on YouTube with this clown.
I REGRET NOTHING.
I need new friends. Preferably with lower triglyceride levels and more years to share.
This is pretty much how the rest of my day went.
BRB winning at life.
Um, of course my #choking playlist has Young the Giant on it… as does my workout playlist and my baby makin’ playlist. Just kidding. (I don’t have a workout playlist.)
I’m horrible at returning messages… I currently have 403 unread emails in my inbox! If it seems like I’m ignoring you, I probably haven’t gotten to your email yet. (But if your name is Anthony, I’m really just ignoring you.)
|12:48 PM||me: ugh i’m sooo over this fifty shades ppt|
|they keep making changes!|
|12:49 PM||Jesse: sup with the wack ppt presentation sup|
Chatting with you is the only thing I’m going to miss about work! It puts a smile on my face when you send me nick@nite texts and pictures of your 22″ hot dog, so try not to forget about me after I blow this popsicle stand!
Oh my glob, you guys!
You know I’m moving, not dying, right? Ha. I’m only going to be a couple hours away. Besides, I have a year’s worth of free Nothing Bundt Cake bundlets to claim from their Mission Valley store, so you know I’ll be down in SD at least once a month (if you thought I was leaving my voucher with one of you clowns, you were mistaken!).
You know things are bad when you start to consider the conductor of a park train and your friends are encouraging that shit!
|4:06 PM||Jesse: Team USA: White Collar Is Your One-Way Ticket to Bomer Town|
|did i just hear a sigh as soon as you saw matt bomer?|
|4:07 PM||me: lol can you hear me smiling, too? :)|
|3:22 PM||me: why am i agreeing to all kinds of craziness these days|
|3:23 PM||shi: coz saying yes to everything liberates you!|
|no time like the present!|
|3:25 PM||me: how do i turn you off? :)|
Your sunshine is as blinding as ever, Shirley May.
Apparently, I’ve agreed to hike up Mount Woodson at an unholy hour on my day off tomorrow! I don’t even know who I am anymore…
We’re pretty much the coolest people I know.
I’ve had to choose between sleeping and reading these past few nights, and the latter always prevails.
That awkward moment when you realize you were listening to Taylor Swift when your private session timed out on Spotify.
|11:08 AM||Jesse: hey you should check your spotify preferences…i saw your songs on fb yesterday =P|
|11:19 AM||me: oh noes…|
|11:28 AM||Jesse: haha oh yes|
Taylor Swift – Last Kiss
[audio:http://www.mayanrocks.com/blog/taylor swift – last kiss.mp3]
All that I know is I don’t know how to be someone you miss
|9:15 AM||me: she was talking about real housewives|
|and she was like|
|if nene would just stop talking for one second|
|9:16 AM||Jesse: wait a second
how do you know who that is and how you spell that name
|me: um, i think i read it somewhere on the interwebs or something
|9:17 AM||Jesse: you should be ashamed|
I def won’t be drinking tonight… or maybe ever again.
|2:28 PM||Jenni: we need someone to reenact the titanic pose for our facebook contest but no one wants to!|
|why dont you and jesse do it? :)|
|2:30 PM||me: absolutely not|
|2:18 PM||me: tell me why i love that bf song|
|you got me|
|2:20 PM||Pamela: he sounds exactly like JT|
|me: i mean whyyyy is it not on spotify|
|i have to listen to it on youtube like a savage|
Justin Bieber – Boyfriend
[audio:http://www.mayanrocks.com/blog/Justin Bieber – Boyfriend.mp3]
|3:14 PM||Jesse: this friday is lasting foreverrrr|
|3:15 PM||me: i’m just gonna watch this zebra doing the running man for the rest of the day|
Oh, sweet jesus… there’s a video.
|4:42 PM||me: what happened by the water cooler?|
|it looks like somebody’s water broke over there|
|4:43 PM||Jesse: c’mon man!!!|
Sometimes I feel bad for Jesse because he’s one of the only dudes in the office… but then I remember that he gets to work with me, and I don’t feel bad for him anymore! Ha ;)
Or… Belle, Jesse and me at happy hour last night.
|4:06 PM||Jesse: i wonder what they were saying about her|
|me: idk dude, prob talking madddd shit|
|4:07 PM||Jesse: obvi nothing as clever or funny as what we say|
|me: well, obvi!|
|3:16 PM||Jesse: this LMFAO spotify commercial is getting really old|
|me: i hate that fucking tony from buitoni pasta one|
|Jesse: what?? i havent heard any pasta ads!|
|3:18 PM||me: are they tailored to what we listen to?|
|how do they know i like carbs?|
Is it weird that I have half a baguette in my tote bag right now?
|3:48 PM||me: i like this artist radio thing on spotify|
|i found this band called the perishers|
|3:49 PM||Pamela: oh cool, i don’t know them|
|me: they remind me of the cinematic orchestra|
|3:50 PM||Pamela: don’t know them either|
|lol i know peeps like honey cocaine|
|3:51 PM||me: i don’t even know who you are right now|
The Perishers – Sway
[audio:http://www.mayanrocks.com/blog/The Perishers – Sway.mp3]
Apparently, replying to tweets & pinterest comments isn’t talking! Ha. I love that when Skokie and I do talk, we speak in New Girl quotes.
Not only did I receive a reminder from Anthropologie that I’m turning thirty next month, but I also got stuck with a “family” frame (for the husband and kids I don’t have) at the white elephant gift exchange at my office today.
If only I had picked the booze that Jesse brought so I could drown my sorrows.
|3:18 PM||Jesse: so im going to the home depot parking lot in 15 minutes to buy nye tickets from dude off craigslist|
|me: i hope you have your gat strapped|
|3:21 PM||Jesse: if im not back in 30 minutes, call the police cuz ive likely been stabbed and robbed|
|me: can i have your white elephant gift if you don’t come back?|
|3:22 PM||Jesse: of course|
Some days, we only speak in movie quotes.
|9:06 AM||me: i’m going to the gym after work|
|Jesse: chuze or tkb at 24?|
|9:07 AM||me: tkb at 24|
|i really just got chuze for the tanning and hydromassage|
|none of which i’ve used, of course|
|9:08 AM||Jesse: i’m pretty sure you just got chuze so you could add another fitness laminate to your keychain|
|9:09 AM||me: i meannn|
Can’t a girl have options???
JESSIE: Your turn, Mayan!
SHI: You’re having another sake bomb?
CHRISTINE: She’s had a rough week!
SHI: It’s only TUESDAY!
There’s an indirect correlation between the amount of work I get done and the number of gchats I have going at any given time. Today is Friday so… you do the math.
|1:01 PM||Shirley: I have a phone interview in the morning =)|
|1:03 PM||me: yay! i’ll keep my fingers crossed for you|
|and my legs!|
|Shirley: we all know how hard it is for you to keep your legs crossed =)|
|me: ok maybe not my legs|
|1:05 PM||boo whore|
|8:46 AM||Jesse: woman|
|go to the doctor|
|8:47 AM||me: i’m pretty sure i either have|
|or c) the black lung, pop|
|i’m hoping it’s c|
|8:49 AM||Jesse: dammit derek youve been down there one day|
|8:50 AM||me: this is totally why we’re friends|
|Jesse: that and this|
|12:21 PM||Jesse: are your eyes a little misty|
|me: only if yours are……….|
|12:22 PM||me: did i ever show you this? http://www.dayswithmyfather.com/|
|12:23 PM||Jesse: i dont know if im equipped for this right now|
|im still fragile from that commercial, marion|
I watched this at work and cried silently at my desk. Just kidding. I was sobbing pretty loudly.
SHI: we were gchatting for five minutes and then he told me he had just gotten out of the shower and was butt naked the whole time he was talking to me!
ME: i mean, put some clothes on and then check your email! why was he gchatting naked?
SHI: i don’t know, why do you curl your hair naked?
ME: i hate you
|3:12 PM||me: he’s a beautiful man|
|Jesse: he looks like mario lopez here|
|3:13 PM||me: how dare you!|
And THIS, ladies and gentlemen, is why I love
Mexicans 24 year olds Mark Sanchez.
I won’t be able to make it, but there’s a “Party in Pink” zumbathon this weekend that benefits Susan G. Komen Breast Cancer Research! Details here if you want to join the party. Dancer’s body optional.
|8:48 AM||Jesse: i need to do laundry in a bad way|
|8:49 AM||me: are you wearing granny panties right now|
|…because i am|
|2:09 PM||Jesse: what the hell is this weather|
|me: someone turned the a/c off again!|
|2:10 PM||Jesse: heads will roll|
|me: that shit should always be on|
|beezies can always put on a jacket|
|2:11 PM||we can’t strip down|
|not w/o being paid anyways|
Shit is about to get real up in here. I’m either going to cut a bitch or take my pants off.
So… every weekend.
There was no doubt that I woke up in a dude’s apartment this morning. Thirty or so empty craft brew bottles lined the mantle behind me. There was an outdoor patio set in the dining room, complete with a hole in the table for the absent umbrella. And to top it all off, my friend’s roommate offered me packets of ketchup to eat for breakfast. Ha! At least he made me coffee first.
Jesse and I agreed that if it wasn’t for my vagina, we’d have a serious bromance going on.
me: i need a serious eyebrow waxing
pammie: you tell me you need something serious every time i see you
a serious eyebrow waxing
a serious hair cut
a serious cheeseburger
(looks at my eyebrows)
ooh. you DO need a serious eyebrow waxing.
me: seriously, right?
|9:06 AM||Jesse: that rape van has been parked outside for like two weeks|
|me: is there someone inside who needs our help?|
|like in running scared… wait you’ve seen that right|
|9:07 AM||Jesse: mmm i dont remember that part|
|me: were you distracted by paul walker’s piercing blue eyes?|
|i’m sure that was it|
|Jesse: you know i must have been|
|speaking of which|
|9:08 AM||i rewatched casino royale and quantum of solace with daniel craig|
|dude his eyes are like the color of windex|
|me: omg there’s this movie i want to see|
|with the transponder and clive owen|
|9:09 AM||Jesse: you mean the transporter? jason statham?|
|me: wait wait wait|
|are you talking about daniel craig’s eyes right now lolol|
|you know i was gonna say transporter, and then i was like no, it’s transponder… is that even a word|
|4:08 PM||Jesse: is it gay that i’m listening to unchained melody?|
|4:09 PM||me: i’m not gonna lie… it’s a little bit gay|
Shi: I like this new Salvador film for the Hipstamatic app
me: (looking at her iPhone) Ooh. Like Salvador Dali.
me: Salvador Dali. The artist? That’s his mustache.
Shi: I don’t know who that is… I thought it was a bathing suit top!
Killing me, smalls.
|10:31 AM||Jesse: you smell cigs?|
|me: not over here|
|just my own sweet aroma|
|10:32 AM||Jesse: close your legs|
|10:41 AM||Jesse: you look mad skinny|
|i really noticed when you came over to help out angela|
|i thought it was someone else!|
|10:42 AM||me: thanks, man :) coming from someone who sees me 40 hours a week, it’s nice that you noticed!|
|10:43 AM||Jesse: for sure! lookin good :)|
In related news, Jesse is officially forgiven for writing this love note on my car:
Me: they’re in for a serious rude awakening at the weigh-in tomorrow
Pammie: they’re gonna rue the day they met us bitches! rue!
Six weeks to catch up, suckas.
*Update – 3/20/2011: 30 pounds now ;) What a difference a two-a-day can make…
I’m not gonna lie—my ass is pretty crucial.
My friend Rome once told me that I had an onion booty, and if he bit it, he would cry.
It’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.