My future is as clear as the shots of vodka my grandmas were doing on Christmas.

The Waitresses – Christmas Wrapping

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Oh hey, I’m just blogging from my new Macbook Pro with retina display. No bigs!

I bought it with two credit cards and the promise of my firstborn, but I don’t have to use my old macbook held together by binder clips anymore, so I’m just going to focus on that.

I never thought I’d be shopping on Black Friday or eating Hot Dog on a Stick at two in the morning (or at any time really), yet there I was at Parkway Plaza with my sister and my preggo bestie doing both of those things…

Enjoy Bill Hader corpsing while I go party at an abandoned whitefish factory in Little Israel.

I wanted to have red puffy paint blood dripping from the easter eggs, but I thought the bloody zombie bunny was morbid enough for my favorite 8-year-old. Maybe next year.

Christ promised a resurrection of the dead. I just thought he had something different in mind.

Half of my facebook friends announced their pregnancies today.

Way to steal my thunder, bitches.

St. Paddy’s Day doesn’t usually register as a blip on my radar, so I intended on having a low key movie night instead… which turned into beers with Shi and Anthony at Tiger! Tiger!… followed by house margaritas at my house… followed by me waking up on my bathroom floor (not pictured). So… just another Saturday.

I’d love to, but I already have plans to wear sweatpants and free up some space on my DVR tonight. Maybe some other time.

I picked the luckiest red envelope at work today! In other news, I’ve forgiven the white elephant gods for my booby prize.

It was my last NYE in my 20s, so I thought I would go out with a bang. Today, I woke up in Las Vegas sore as hell and $300 richer! Sadly, it wasn’t nearly as exciting as it sounds.

I was doing everything short of bending time and space to get these damn flans out of my supposedly nonstick brioche pans when my aunt turned to me and said, “It’s so hard being Martha Stewart, isn’t it?”

It really is.

Not only did I receive a reminder from Anthropologie that I’m turning thirty next month, but I also got stuck with a “family” frame (for the husband and kids I don’t have) at the white elephant gift exchange at my office today.

If only I had picked the booze that Jesse brought so I could drown my sorrows.

I’m pretty sure this is Jesse’s way of saying that he no longer appreciates hearing me blast Young the Giant in my shitty earbuds all the livelong day.

Merry Christmas to us both!

I always wish for two things during the holidays:

1. A KitchenAid Stand Mixer
2. Starbucks’ seasonal Cranberry Bliss Bars

I figured out how to make my own bliss bars, and now I can have them anytime I want! These were good, but they would taste even better if they were made with a KitchenAid stand mixer ;)

I made bourbon pumpkin spice whoopie pies for Thanksgiving this year. They’re filled with cream cheese, love, and that mini bottle of Maker’s Mark that I keep in my purse.

I love baking with booze… and sometimes I even put it in the food ;)

True story. I’m not sure why I have a Google+ account. Most of the gmail contacts they suggest to me are people that I know, but deliberately choose not to be friends with, and the rest of them are craigslisters I’ve risked my life meeting for casual encounters concert tickets. And so I’m left with 7 friends in my circle. I’d ask them what they’re doing for Halloween, but I really have no idea how to use this thing.

Arlene’s 7-year-old daughter, Gisella, made me a Valentine’s Day card at school because she knew I didn’t have a Valentine this year. Thanks for the reminder, kid! Haha. I love that little munchkin. I would pin her card up in my cube at work, but it’d be overshadowed by Belle’s gaggle of heart-shaped balloons!

It’s Monday. It’s Valentine’s Day. Some deep tissue action at Zen Sanctuary was def necessary.

Yes, I realize there’s more footage of food than there is of my grandma. Get off me.

Should I consider it a warning sign that all the presents I got for Christmas revolve around food and liquor?

• Tickets to Sam the Cooking Guy Live!
• Sam the Cooking Guy: Season 2 DVD
• Anthropologie gift card for a Kitchen Apron
• Calphalon Classic Nonstick Bakeware
• Pillsbury Fast & Healthy Cookbook
• Moscato Wine
• What’s New, Cupcake? Cookbook
• Big Top Cupcake Silicone Bakeware
• Cocktail Stirrers, Drink Charms, Deluxe Straws & Cocktail Jigger

You guys know me so well.

Chel gave me this awesome idea to put red velvet cupcakes with cream cheese frosting inside jars for the holidays! Could these be any cuter???

I’ve been winning tons of stuff lately… an autographed CD from Meaghan Smith, Konami’s Glee Karaoke Revolution Wii game, that pizza eating contest at Marechiaro’s… (is it a contest if I’m the only one participating?)

Last week, I won tickets for Day 10 of The Ellen DeGeneres Show’s 12 Days of Giveaways! Pammie was the one who signed me up in the first place, so I took her with me to the taping in LA. It was one of the best days of my life, and I’m not lying like I usually am when I say that.

We laughed at Ellen’s jokes, drooled over Mark Wahlberg, listened to Olivia Wilde talk about Tron, danced with Ciara as she performed her new single, and screamed as Ellen unveiled all the Amazon.com gifts we were going home with:

• Amazon Denim Shop Gift Card, $100
• PlayStation 3 320GB System and Sports Champion Move Bundle, $399.99
• Rock Band 3, $59.99
• Rock Band 3 Wireless Keyboard, $79.99
• Plantronics Voyager PRO PLUS Bluetooth Headset, $99.99
• TomTom GPS Go 2405TM with Lifetime Traffic & Maps, $299.95
• Basic Instinct by Ciara, $11.98
• Unbearable Lightness by Portia de Rossi, $25.99
• Kindle Wireless Reading Device, $139.00
• Panasonic TA-1 Ultrathin HD Pocket Camcorder, $169.95
• Calphalon Unison Nonstick 8-Piece Cookware Set, $499.99
• Calphalon No Peek Waffle Maker, $99.99

Whoever said that material things can’t fill the void in your life has never been given $500 worth of Calphalon Cookware, obvi.

• The Town DVD from Amazon, $17.99
  Ben Affleck grows a fierce beard (and does some other stuff, too) in this movie.
• Apron (any style) from Anthropologie, $28.00-$38.00
  I love to bake, and I’m pretty sure my treats would taste even better if I made them while wearing this fabulous apron.
• Laptop Desk (Walnut with Chocolate Cushion) from Brookstone, $29.95
  I like to browse the interwebs how I like to do most other things—in bed with no pants on.
• Madison Op Art Sateen Large Wristlet (Black/Silver) from Coach, $98.00
  I once left my whole purse inside Macy’s. And lost my wallet in Vegas. And found my ATM card in the freezer. Clearly, I need a purse that attaches to my wrist.
• External Hard Drive (1TB) from Amazon, $78.99
  Jay’s folder labeled "NOT PORN" is taking up too much space on my desktop. There really isn’t any porn in there, but it does have R. Kelly’s entire discography (which might actually be worse, I think).
• Stella Im Hultberg’s “Never Mind” Gelaskin (iPhone 4) from Gelaskins, $14.95
  I want this partly because Stella is my favorite artist, but mostly because the bottom corner of my phone is chipped from dropping it.
• Pink with a Splash All-Over Body Mist from Victoria’s Secret, $15, 2/$22, 3/$30
  There are eight different scents, and they all smell delicious. Pick one (or eight).

Unlike previous years, I tried to make my list somewhat affordable, hence the missing KitchenAid Stand Mixer (a wish list staple of mine). I still want it, though. In Onyx Black. Just sayin’.

Zooey & Conan & Christmas ♥

Neon Trees – Wish List

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The girls and I are doing a gift exchange via Elfster this year. Gifts in our collective wish list include: red tights (not footless), San Diego Chargers hipster panties, an Aveda gift card, and Kid Rainen from the Jabbawockeez.

(I’m pretty sure the latter exceeds our previously agreed upon $30 limit, Chris!)

Last Halloween, I woke up face down in a hotel bathroom and endured the walk of shame (and by shame I mean glory) downtown in my costume the next morning. This year, I decided to keep a low profile and skip Halloween altogether. Instead, I spent the weekend moving all my extra furniture out of my overpriced storage unit. All I have left in there is my lovesac and dining table, so make sure to check out my listings while you’re perusing the casual encounters section of Craigslist if you’re interested.

I spent most of Saturday afternoon loading everything into the U-haul with the help of my mom and sister. Moving furniture ruins relationships, and I’m surprised we’re all still speaking after this weekend! I thanked them with Phil’s, so I’m pretty sure I’m forgiven for those three painful hours of labor. Sunday, though? Not so much…

While I was grateful that Jessie took my sectional off my hands, I was less enthused about the fact that she lives on the fifth floor of her building. Three girls moving two couches down a busy street in Little Italy was truly a sight to behold. We tried to get some boys to help us beforehand, but we were 0 for 3. One of my friends said he had to go to work on his day off to show his Halloween costume, another had to help his mom with her political campaign, and the maintenance guy at her building did not seem at all interested in lending a hand. Whatever happened to chivalry? My entire body’s sore now, jerks.

We did everything short of bending time and space to get those couches into Jessie’s condo. She rewarded us with some chocolate cupcakes with pumpkin cream cheese frosting that she whipped up in her KitchenAid stand mixer. Not only does she now have my beloved microsuede sectional, but she also has the appliance of my dreams. At least she’s allowing me visitation rights! Afterward, we still had to go up to the OC to drop off the U-haul at Pammie’s. While we were putting together her bed, we heard the doorbell ring and thought it was the takeout we ordered, but it was a bunch of kids in costumes! In all this furniture hoopla, we had completely forgotten about Halloween.

Halloween is just around the corner, and I’ve decided to sell my old costumes on eBay since I’m never going to wear them again (unless you’re into that sort of thing). Perusing my collection, I’ve realized that I’m (A) too old to be dressing up for Halloween and (B) a slut.

I was really dreading this past weekend, but it actually wasn’t half bad :) On Friday, Shi, Ella, Sha and I did what any other masochistic group of single girls would do on Valentine’s Day weekend—we watched Dear John (aka Sobfest 2010). Christine gave it half a thumb, but I actually liked it! I cried throughout the entire movie. It definitely didn’t touch The Notebook, but I’d recommend at least renting it when it’s released (if only to see Channing Tatum running around half naked).

I drowned my sorrows at The Local with the girls and Antonio Saturday night. Fifty dollars, six cranberry vodkas, two slices of New York pizza, and one drunken text to the ex later (yikes), I called it a night at four in the morning.

I woke up on Sunday with a hangover and a text back from Il Postino. I didn’t get back to him—he drunk messaged me three times the weekend before, so I thought I didn’t have to explain myself. The girls all texted me to make sure that I wasn’t going to throw myself off a bridge before spending the day with their significant others, and I even got a V-Day greeting from the Cake Boss (which I also ignored). Shi invited me to brunch, but I felt too sick to eat anything at that ungodly hour. I spent the majority of my day designing Chel’s wedding invitation while watching Lifetime’s Lovers Lane Movie Marathon (don’t judge me). Sitting through all 120 minutes of Flirting with Forty was worth discovering Robert Buckley. Hot damn. I don’t usually like blondes, but I’ll make an exception for this one.

Il Postino texted me after midnight—and after he had gotten home from his Valentine’s date, I’m sure—saying thanks for (not) returning the drunken text and he hoped I had a great Valentine’s Day. Number one… how dare you? And number two… don’t call me past 11pm. It was late, and I didn’t think it was a good idea to respond, so I didn’t. I like how we only talk to each other when we’re intoxicated and/or at an indecent hour. Don’t make me that girl that you only call after midnight—especially not on Valentine’s Day. And especially not when I used to be that girl you’d take roller skating on a random Tuesday before the street lights came on.

I would just like to be involved with someone who values me enough to call me at a respectable hour… someone who would maybe take me to Birch Aquarium to look at moon jellies, grab some dinner afterwards (nothing fancy), and maybe share a Churros Con Chocolate cupcake from Cups. Or even a churro from Costco would be fine by me. You know, I don’t ask for much (and I also don’t get much, either… go figure).

On Monday, Chel, Shi and I had a three hour sesh at Tap Ex. We always find time for each other. These girls are my heart. They make me realize that I’m better off without these jerkoffs I keep involving myself with. And they completely understand when I blow them off to watch meteor showers with the same jerkoffs ♥

SpongeBob SquarePants – “Don’t be a Jerk (It’s Christmas)”

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Don’t be a jerk, it’s Christmas!
When others are talking, never interrupt
Don’t put people down or leave the toilet seat up
It’s the time for family and holly and turkey
‘Tis the season to be jolly, not jerky

Cinematic Orchestra – To Build A Home

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‘Cause I built a home for you, for me
Until it disappeared from me, from you

(image via weheartit)

I woke up this morning face down in a hotel bathroom still wearing my Halloween costume. I also had bruises on my legs from falling down the stairs last night and eight missed calls, six text messages, two voicemails and one Facebook message alert from Il Postino. Sooo not the evening I had planned.

Clockwise from top left:

• Me and Liz in the only picture I took that night
• Pammie in her awesome shark hoodie. I broke my mom’s sewing machine making this, but it was worth it.
• Save a horse, ride a cowgirl! Jay becomes a woman every Halloween.
• Shirtle the Turtle… She sewed this herself, too.
• My favorite kindergartener, Lia, in the Hot Dog On A Stick costume I made her. Love this kid!
• Chel as Max from Where the Wild Things Are. She made this, too! I mean, how cool are we???

I had such a good time last night. I wasn’t expecting to celebrate Halloween, but Il Postino wanted to take me out. Yes—he’s back in my life. Again. I spent the whole summer without him, just focusing on myself for once. I mean, I lost forty pounds! By losing all that weight, I thought I would somehow gain a better life. But I still thought about him. I guess he still thought about me, too.

More Halloween photos here.

The Good

• Seeing Muse headline KROQ’s Almost Acoustic Christmas in LA. The balloons are always my favorite part. More Muse vids from the show here and my own vids of the rest of the bands here.
• Getting the best Christmas presents EVER. Pammie bought us both a cooking class with Sam the Cooking Guy (pre-Cinco de Drinko with margaritas, of course!). Alicia bought me a ton of things I love: a Jamba Juice card loaded with enough credit to get me a week’s supply of original sized White Gummi Bears, crushed red pepper in a portable seasoning shaker to carry in my purse because I like it spicy, moisturizing gel gloves from Bath & Body Works that I’ve been eyeballing for years and mint-infused lip balm because I’m all about moist lips and fresh breath. Shi got me a gift certificate for Yogurt World (I profess my love of froyo to anyone who will listen). Chel and Jay both got me cupcake recipe books (though I’m convinced it was more for Jay’s benefit than my own). My WISH LIST is still up for my birthday in two weeks!
• Snagging an internship at Emitations where I browse celebrity gossip sites and magazines to see what jewelry the stars are wearing. I’m basically getting paid for something I already do on my own time! Like this. And this.
• Getting our Rockband on at Errol’s house.
• Gerald coming home for the holidays.

The Bad

• My mom having an unexpected surgery and me having to put up her Christmas tree by myself. I’m insanely obsessive-compulsive at times… I had to make sure that all the ornaments were evenly spaced out and that all the colors were balanced around the tree and that no like colors were touching. This went on for HOURS, and I was so sick with myself throughout the entire decorating process. I clearly need help.
• Working two jobs and having no time to do much else.
• Going downtown and getting so piss drunk that everyone in the car was vomiting (except for the driver, of course… poor Gerald! This was only the second time I’ve heard him yell in ten years—the first time being the day he taught me how to drive a stick shift in his beloved truck… his clutch has since been replaced). We walked ten blocks from Landlord Jim’s to the car and I ended up with a skinned knee and a bleeding puncture wound about the diameter of a stiletto heel in my foot—I was wearing flats, so it wasn’t self-inflicted. But I don’t remember anyone stepping on my foot, either. It could’ve happened during one of the multiple times I slipped and fell on the walk back to the car. Yeah, it was one of those nights.

The Ugly

• Getting smoked salmon as a white elephant gift at my family Christmas party. My relatives are pretty vicious when it comes to this game, but I had it all planned out. I formed an alliance with Chel and Pammie so that if anyone stole the gifts we wanted, another one of us could steal it back. I ended up picking the last number and by the time it was my turn, every gift I wanted was locked and couldn’t be stolen. I ended up taking the last unopened gift, and it’s been rightfully submitted to the Bad Gift Emporium.

mayanrocks: Why didn’t you get a blonde wig?
Jay: I wanted the drapes to match the carpet.