Oh my glob, you guys!

You know I’m moving, not dying, right? Ha. I’m only going to be a couple hours away. Besides, I have a year’s worth of free Nothing Bundt Cake bundlets to claim from their Mission Valley store, so you know I’ll be down in SD at least once a month (if you thought I was leaving my voucher with one of you clowns, you were mistaken!).

Free bundtlets for a year from Nothing Bundt Cakes???

Now I don’t have to go in there and pretend I’m buying a cake for someone else anymore. Or birthday candles to corroborate my lies. I mean what. I don’t do that.

Don’t say @DearMare didn’t warn you ;)

8 weeks, 1200 calories/day, 2 workouts/day, 42 pounds lost and $407 gained, bitches!

Ladies, you’re doing yourself a serious disservice if you think that a man can ever beat you in anything. Who cares whether or not they lose weight faster than you? Work harder, and show them that there’s nothing a man can do that a woman can’t do better, backwards and in high heels. TWICE!

I just won another baby gift for my favorite mommy-to-be, Chel!

Last week, I won Cloud B’s Sleep Sheep Giveaway, and this weekend I won A Nation of Moms’ Bumbo Seat and Play Tray Giveaway!

I should really start entering contests for myself. Mama needs a new KitchenAid Stand Mixer.

Winning is sort of my thing.

I won tickets to Ellen’s 12 Days of Giveaways show. I won Glee’s Karaoke Revolution Wii game on Twitter. I won a Linkin Park tour poster and guitar pick in a Foursquare contest I wasn’t even aware I was participating in (and they accidentally sent me my prize twice!). I joined my friend Alicia’s Survivor pool and won, even though I’ve never watched an episode of Survivor in my life. And I literally sweated my ass off and won my company’s #BLC!

Since my favorite preggo, Chel, is expecting her firstborn, I thought I would use my good luck to win stuff for her and the baby. I entered a bunch of baby contests, and today I won a Sleep Sheep and Sleep Sheep On The Go from Cloud B! It’s supposed to help even the fussiest babies fall asleep… I’m sure it’ll be put to good use while mommy and I enjoy a cocktail ;)

I’ve been winning tons of stuff lately… an autographed CD from Meaghan Smith, Konami’s Glee Karaoke Revolution Wii game, that pizza eating contest at Marechiaro’s… (is it a contest if I’m the only one participating?)

Last week, I won tickets for Day 10 of The Ellen DeGeneres Show’s 12 Days of Giveaways! Pammie was the one who signed me up in the first place, so I took her with me to the taping in LA. It was one of the best days of my life, and I’m not lying like I usually am when I say that.

We laughed at Ellen’s jokes, drooled over Mark Wahlberg, listened to Olivia Wilde talk about Tron, danced with Ciara as she performed her new single, and screamed as Ellen unveiled all the Amazon.com gifts we were going home with:

• Amazon Denim Shop Gift Card, $100
• PlayStation 3 320GB System and Sports Champion Move Bundle, $399.99
• Rock Band 3, $59.99
• Rock Band 3 Wireless Keyboard, $79.99
• Plantronics Voyager PRO PLUS Bluetooth Headset, $99.99
• TomTom GPS Go 2405TM with Lifetime Traffic & Maps, $299.95
• Basic Instinct by Ciara, $11.98
• Unbearable Lightness by Portia de Rossi, $25.99
• Kindle Wireless Reading Device, $139.00
• Panasonic TA-1 Ultrathin HD Pocket Camcorder, $169.95
• Calphalon Unison Nonstick 8-Piece Cookware Set, $499.99
• Calphalon No Peek Waffle Maker, $99.99

Whoever said that material things can’t fill the void in your life has never been given $500 worth of Calphalon Cookware, obvi.

It’s officially summer, and for the 28th year in a row, I’m not ready for all this sunlight. Thankfully, I’ve moved out of my non air-conditioned apartment that I nearly melted in last year, so I won’t have any sudden urges to punch a baby in this heat. Being healthy isn’t enough motivation to lose weight for me. I entered a biggest loser competition at work last year, lost 20 pounds and won by less than 1% (suck it, Calvin!). And I did it all for just bragging rights and a celebratory croissant. I used to play Bejeweled Blitz religiously on Facebook just because whenever I’d beat someone’s score, it sent them a notification saying, “Booyah! Mayan fucking beat you, bitch.” Okay maybe it didn’t say fucking. Or bitch. Or booyah… but it still notified them, okay? Get off me. I would really like to get fit, so I need someone to compete with. And not someone like Jay who works out once a week while I’m pulling two-a-days… It can’t be that easy. But I want to start after I go to the fair this Sunday. And next Friday. And possibly next Saturday… Let’s just be safe and start this thing when the fair ends after the 4th of July.