I feel SO much better. After venting, I went to my graphic design class and had a huge smile on my face because we critiqued our logos today. Everyone thought mine was fucking awesome! There were some REALLY horrible ones, though. We had to pick any local place that isn’t a nationwide chain and create a logo for them. I chose Hodads (a YUMMY burger joint in Ocean Beach). Arlene introduced me to the wonder that is Hodads last year, and Sheen and I go whenever we want some good eats and huge chocolate malts! After school, I was stuck behind this Forerunner the entire drive home and he left his blinker on THE ENTIRE DRIVE HOME. I was so irritated by that little blinking light. I didn’t even notice Jay and Rome driving behind me and we take the same route home! Ha, ha. He called me when he got home because he had read my previous entry. He was like, “Hey, Mayan, are you okay?” and I was like, “Yeah, I’m good,” and he was like, “NO YOU’RE NOT. I SAW YOUR WEBSITE!” Ha, ha. Even though I was really okay by then, his concern for me made me feel pretty good. A few hours later, Jake calls me out of no where to tell me that he saw my senior page in the yearbook for the first time the other day (from over three years ago!) and he thought it was really cool that I put his and Jessica’s pictures in there. Of course I did! Gotta include all the homies, YO. I get sad looking at all those pictures from high school. I always knew I would look back on the tears and laugh, but I never thought I’d look back on the laughs and cry. It’s very true. You don’t realize how good your life is until it’s all gone to shit. I miss my high school friends. We all lead such different lives now. It’s been forever since I’ve seen a lot of them, but I know once we hang out it’ll feel just like old times… and that feels pretty damn good. Change is the devil. I wish some things would stay the same forever… I have TONS of things to look forward to… ROONEY with Ed tomorrow, Joey’s birthday on Thursday, dinner and clubbin’ for Roxy’s birthday on Friday, Ed’s first show on Sunday, Sheen’s birthday next Tuesday, my dad’s birthday next Wednesday… I could go on and on and on. But I won’t. Because I’m sleepy. I’ll let you know how Rooney sounds live next time :)
Yesterday, Nikko and Jessica came down from Carson. Ed was gonna tint Nikko’s windows and install his audio shit. Even when my boyfriend has a day off from work (he’s an installer at Audio Excellence), he’s STILL working on cars. Cars, cars, cars. BLEH. It drives me crazy sometimes… makes me want to hammer a nail into my head. I don’t really share his interest in cars. Sure, I’ll go with him to the car shows (especially if he’s in it). I’ll go with him to Qualcomm or Carlsbad when his friends are racing. I’ll go with him all the way up near Santa Barbara to go to Bimmerfest. I’ll go with him to the drift shows in L.A… I just enjoy being with him. I don’t know what it is. I just feel better when he’s near me. Sheen, Jay and I ended up going to La Jolla to visit Sheryll and buy some goodies for our hair from Joey’s salon. I used them today and might I add that my hair looks fabulous right now. Ha, ha. It’s shiny like a pony. We went to Joey’s house afterwards and ate sloppy joes. Mmmmm. We saw Sheryll’s new doggie, Winnie. She’s a mini dachshund and is soooo cute and sooo small. She’s munchkin’s new lady friend and they plan on breeding them in a year or two. I think my sister’s gonna get one of their babies. I would much rather have a bulldog, but it would be cool to have a little wiener dog running around, too. Gerald and Ed met up with us later and I guess they were both exhausted because they fell asleep at Joey’s. So much for hanging out. Right now I’m waiting for Sheen to be done getting her pedicure. I gave myself a pedicure earlier today and it was about damn time. We were gonna hit up Bonita Fest, but Ed works on the street the festival/parade was on and he said it was wacktabulous. I don’t know what we’re gonna do yet, but hopefully it involves alcoholic beverages.
I’m on my funky three hour break between classes right now. I feel like it’s been forever since I’ve been to school. I missed the last two days because I’ve been sick. I’m STILL sick. But I only have classes two days a week, so missing two classes is missing a lot… so I went to class today and spread my germs all over Grossmont and Cuyamaca. I’m trying to download a song off of Kazaa so I can make a ringtone for my pal, Zee, but my MOM is downloading like TEN freakin songs (on our slowpoke 56k modem!). Who taught her how to use this thing? Ha. She downloads all these songs and burns CDs and even makes labels for them. I remember the good old days when my dad didn’t even know how to turn on the computer. I don’t think this whole lawsuit deal is freaking my mom out like it should be. She’s the downloading QUEEN. I hope the RIAA isn’t reading this shit. Ha, ha. Anyways, it’s Wednesday and I threw up in the shower again this morning… just like last Wednesday. What’s going on with me throwing up in the shower on Wednesdays? Wack. I *hate* throwing up. I mean, no one LIKES throwing up… but I really hate it. Kinda like I hate strawberry ice cream. BLEH. I don’t think anything’s wrong with me, though (physically I mean. Mentally? Perhaps.). I asked Edgar if he thought I had pneumonia. Usually when I’m sick, I have a stuffy nose and itchy throat. I hardly ever have coughing fits. This time I don’t have a stuffy nose or an itchy throat. I just have this constant headache and I’m coughing up mountains of phlegm (GROSS!). The common symptoms of pneumonia are a cough with phlegm, fever, chills, chest pain and breathlessness… so Ed doesn’t think I have pneumonia. Sheen thinks I have SARS. Pneumonia can be caused by the inhalation of substances into the lungs such as caustic chemicals, food or VOMIT. This all started when I threw up last Wednesday. HMM. I’ll give it another week before I see a doctor. Maybe I’m just scaring myself. When my cousin was getting her bachelors in public health, she always thought she had the diseases she was studying. This girl cracks me up! She was like… “I think I have AIDS! Look at my tongue… look at the bumps! It’s one of the symptoms!” and she was SERIOUS. She is so crazy. Okay it’s time to go back to school again, so I’ll talk to you freaks later.
Bedhead Ed is SICK. Pobresito… I went to Jamba Juice and got him a Coldbuster to bust his cold. I’ve been sick since last Wednesday and I can’t help but feel a little responsible for making him sick, too. I hope I didn’t make Sheen sick. She’s going to KILL me. Haha. So how was YOUR weekend? Mine was alright. On Friday, I hung out with Jigga Jay man. I was supposed to go to his house and eat cold pizza and make a pizookie, but my ass didn’t wake up till three in the afternoon! Being sick makes me SUPER lazy. I normally wake up by at least TWO when I don’t have class :) We ended up going to Seaport to drop off Charlene’s digicam and some lunch. Lucky ass Jay gets unemployment now, so we decided to hit up Fashion and buy something frivolous… like a trucker hat with our names on it. Ha, ha. He just ended up buying something for his friend’s birthday that night. We eventually parted ways so he could get his groove on at PB Bar & Grill and I could have a movie night with Ed and Meehchelle. We watched “Once Upon a Time in Mexico.” It was alright. I think I would’ve liked “Anything Else” better. Maybe it’s because I never watched “Desperado.” Or maybe it’s because Salma Hayek doesn’t turn me on like she turns on Edgar. On Saturday, I went to a family party in Scripps Ranch. I saw pregnant cousins, alcoholic uncles, loud aunties, and gangster cousins. Ha, ha. I saw this girl, Analyn, that my boyfriend used to jock in high school. I was thinking… What the hell is she doing here? Turns out she goes out with my COUSIN. It amazes me how small this world really is. Especially San Diego. Ed normally doesn’t make appearances at my family parties since he’s always working. That would’ve been weird if he was there. Ed went to E Street that night to see A Tribe Called Quest perform. My sister, Raechel, her boyfriend Antho, and I ended up going downtown, also. We were gonna go to PB Bar & Grill since Antho’s never been, but it was getting hella late so we didn’t feel like partying anymore. We just basically walked around downtown and laughed at all the weird ass dancers you could see through the windows at all the clubs. At one point, Raechel turned to me and said, “I guess the FREAKS come out at night over here.” There were definitely some freakishly weird people downtown. We hit up a two-story Starbucks that we had never been to and relaxed for a little bit. Antho commented on their woven lamp motif while Chel and my sister marveled about how great a place it would be to study at. Leave it to them to think about school on a Saturday night! Ha, ha. Ed and Jay were supposed to hang out with us after watching Tribe, but I guess they stayed afterwards and shook what their mamas gave them ’cause they didn’t leave till four in the morning! Shooooot. I wanted him to meet Antho, too. On Sunday, I ate at Panda Palace with Sheen, Ed and Jay (whatchu know about upside down pan fried noodle?). Ed promised me earlier that week that he’d take me out for Chinese food and he actually came through this time. Ha, ha. We rented “Malibu’s Most Wanted” and “All I Want” and watched it at Ed’s house. “Malibu” was HILARIOUS. “All I Want” was WEIRD, but at least Jay got to see Mandy Moore in her bra and panties (score!). Tomorrow it’s back to school. I’m overjoyed. Really.
I just added like SEVEN shows to my calendar for the next month or so. I would love to go to each of these shows but I have no f*ckin money. Ahhh, it’s times like these that I curse THE MAN for limiting my funds. I’m transferring to SDSU next fall, so in order for me to qualify for tuition assistance (from my dad being a retired navy guy), the government says I have to make under $8,700 a year. I’ve already made $6,000 and I only have a few thousand to go. I took a summer hiatus from working so I wouldn’t go over the limit since I plan to work at Red Envelope again starting next month. I wish I could just make tons of money and not worry about tuition assistance… but the government paying my tuition in full is worth missing one or two or FIFTY shows here and there. I know I’m being a brat because there’s how many hundreds of thousands of people who are struggling to pay their way through college… but shit it’s HOOBASTANK. THE USED. TSUNAMI BOMB. ROONEY. Dammit. I feel like I’m in a Catch-22 (ERRR I *hated* that book). SDSU was never an option for me before. I wanted to go to school outside of San Diego. I wanted to experience something new. My sister is going to school in Fullerton (OK bad analogy because she *hates* the O.C. and misses San Diego haha). I wanted to go to school in L.A. or in the bay area… but I know if I went to school outside S.D. I would have to pay my own rent in my own apartment without the help of my parents… I wouldn’t be able to make enough money for rent, but I’d have free money for school. If I worked a lot, I’d have money to pay rent, but I wouldn’t get free tuition. Either way I lose. My sister got full tuition assistance, but she had to take out student loans just to pay her rent because she couldn’t make over $8,700 annually and that doesn’t even cover the rent, let alone groceries and necessities. I don’t want to be indebted to student loans for years to come as soon as I graduate from college. I already had enough credit card debt by the time I hit 19. If I go to State, I can live at home (at times unbearable, but always free). As long as I make under the limit, the government will pay for me to go to college (minus books). SDSU is the PRACTICAL choice… Not the choice I would have made if money wasn’t an issue, but unfortunately it is. I wish I won the lotto. Then I would BUY Hoobastank. The Used. Tsunami Bomb. Rooney. I would go to the college I *want* to go to instead of the one that is the most practical for me. My parents are very adamant about my sister and I realizing that life will not be handed to us on silver platters. If we want something, we have to earn it. They are not paying for us to go to college. They are not paying for us to live in our own apartments or dorms. They are not paying for us to have brand new cars. It’s not like they don’t have the money to pay for these things. We’re supposed to be old enough and responsible enough to know that they won’t always be there to pay for everything. I’m lucky I don’t have to pay for rent in my parents’ house. My sister and I both got jobs once we turned sixteen and we haven’t stopped working since. I’ve never gone more than a few months without having a job. It’s nice to be able to buy yourself things with the money that YOU earned. If you constantly spoil your kids, they’ll never be able to live on their own…
The Kabalarian Philosophers’ analysis of my name was eerily accurate! The personality traits they mentioned were so parallel to my own. Here’s what they had to say about me:
“The name of Marion gives you a clever, quick, analytical mind, but you suffer with a great deal of self-consciousness, lack of confidence, and much aloneness because of misunderstandings. Your idealistic and sensitive nature gives you a deep appreciation for the finer things of life and a strong desire to be of service to humanity. There are times when you experience inner turbulence at your inability to say what you mean. It is far easier for you to express your deeper thoughts and feelings through writing than verbally. You find pleasure in literature, in poetry, and in your ideals and will turn to them when you feel you have been misunderstood. You are deeply moved by the beauties of life, especially nature. Because your feelings run deep, you must guard against the ups and downs, being very inspired one minute, then moody, reserved, and depressed the next. Your reactions to people vary according to how you feel. You tend to be secretive and noncommittal about private matters, yet at times you will talk effusively in order to hide your self-consciousness or to lead others away from personal subjects. You are inspired by encouragement from others, yet suspicious of their intent. You crave affection but seldom find anyone who understands your nature.”
Get YOUR name analyzed at kabalarians.com.
Sheenie and I got hit on tonight. Maybe it was because we’re hot mamas, or maybe it was because it was unusually cold out tonight and our headlights were on. Haha. Some old Mexican guy in the booth next to us at In-N-Out tried talking to Sheen. I didn’t even notice. What I DID notice were his wife and son who later joined him. GROSS. Ed was working late again tonight. Big f*ckin surprise. We had nothing better to do, so we drove around the coast. We went to Moo-Time in Coronado and had some chocolate ice cream. YUM. We drove down Silver Strand and ended up in I.B. where we walked down the pier. Sheenie commented on my mega voice again and said I was scaring all the fish away. I couldn’t stop laughing. I can’t help talking loudly when I get excited. There were a grip of kids there and tons of people fishing. These twenty-somethings on lawn chairs asked if we wanted to sit with them. We just looked at each other and kept walking haha. One of the guys was like, “Come on. We’ll keep you warm.” Sheenie’s hard of hearing sometimes and she thought he said, “Fine then, you f*ckin morons.” LOL. Afterwards, we went to Point Loma to try to find the Real World house. After driving up and down and up and down North Harbor Drive, we finally found it. It’s down this long culdesac on the harbor next to a strip of businesses. There was this big security guard in front of the house, so we didn’t drive all the way down the culdesac, but we were just excited to see the house in person. I still can’t believe the house is in Point Loma. It smells like fish and the airport is down the street so you hear nothing but airplanes flying over your house every five minutes. I’m assuming they picked the area because of the sailing. There’s tons of sailboats. That’s all there is to do out there in Point Loma. After we found the house and our nipples were hard enough to cut glass, we drove back to Ed’s house and Sheenie went home. I stayed at Ed’s for a little bit and then went home. Hopefully I’ll have a more exciting day tomorrow.
So my boyfriend has recently been having a shitload of “boys night outs.” The key word here being BOYS… which means girlfriends are not allowed… and as far as I know, my boyfriend is the only one out of his boys with a girlfriend. One would deduce that these “boys night outs” would be sausage central, right? Oddly enough, everytime my boyfriend goes on a “boys night out” he meets a different GIRL… not some random girl that was coincidentally there at the same time, but a girl that was INVITED to this “boys night out” shindig. WTF. I’m friends with some of those boys (*waves* to Beejaye, Jay and Mike). I, too, would like to go to D&B’s and play games and get drunk. I, too, am old enough to go with them to these 21+ scenes. If my boyfriend was having a “boys night out” and they were going to a club, he still wouldn’t invite me, because “it’s supposed to be a ‘boys night out, Mayan.” That’s his excuse for never inviting me… even though it’s a given that some of the guys will invite other girls. My boyfriend is all about meeting new people and making tons of friends and adding new friendsters. I guess he can’t do that with some girl tagging along claiming to be his girlfriend. You should WANT to spend time with your girlfriend. You should WANT to party with them. Isn’t that the point of having a significant other? Wanting to include them in your activities? I know that when I’m having fun without him, I’m thinking, “I wish he was here so he could have fun with me.” I guess I’m the only person with that mentality. He’s one of my top priorities and I feel like I’m not even in his top ten list of priorities. He feels like it’s okay to let me down (because I’m his girlfriend and I should “understand”), but it’s not okay to let down his friends. Everytime we go somewhere it always has to be with other people. We never spend time with just the two of us (being at his house sleeping on his bed while he uses the computer doesn’t count). We don’t do anything that you wouldn’t do with some random friend of yours. I feel like I’m more of a friend with occasional benefits than a girlfriend. Everytime we go somewhere he sees someone he knows. I usually won’t know them, but he doesn’t bother to introduce me. What the hell is going on here? LOL. I’m laughing on the outside, but really, it’s killing me. After over four years of being together, you shouldn’t stop trying to make your girlfriend happy just because you “have” her already. Whenever we see a couple hugging or kissing he’ll be like “that’s because they’re new.” Just because we’re an “old” couple doesn’t mean that you can’t be affectionate anymore. I don’t see his logic. I love him, but he’s really frustrating me right now.
Kudos to MTV for choosing San Diego as the locale for the next Real World! They started filming last month and the season begins airing in January 2004. Any San Diego native would think that the house would be located in one of SD’s hotspots, but NO. It’s in Point fuckin Loma (it’s the old Blue Crab restaurant located at 4922 North Harbor Drive near the airport). MTV could have picked La Jolla or Downtown or Pacific or Mission Beach. They might as well have picked National City. LOL. Sure, it’s waterfront property, but what exactly is there to DO in Point Loma? Go sailing, you say? Funny you should mention that. I heard that their job is to be crew members aboard Dennis Conner’s America’s Cup sail boat, Stars and Stripes. How typically Californian of them… MTV even built them their own private volleyball court and gave them surfboards. What is this? The OC? Haha. Some of the cast members have already gotten themselves into trouble down here! One girl got arrested for scratching and punching some Marine guy at Moondoggies in PB and another cast member got caught trying to use a fake I.D. by a bouncer at a different bar in PB. LAME!
Here’s a fairly accurate description of my mood right now: They call it the “Quarter-life Crisis.” It is when you stop going along with the crowd and start realizing that there are many things about yourself that you didn’t know and may not like. You start feeling insecure and wonder where you will be in a year or two, but then get scared because you barely know where you are now. You start realizing that people are selfish and that, maybe, those friends that you thought you were so close to aren’t exactly the greatest people you have ever met, and the people you have lost touch with are some of the most important ones. What you don’t recognize is that they are realizing that too, and aren’t really cold, catty, mean or insincere, but that they are as confused as you. You look at your job… and it is not even close to what you thought you would be doing, or maybe you are looking for a job and realizing that you are going to have to start at the bottom and that scares you. Your opinions have gotten stronger. You see what others are doing and find yourself judging more than usual because suddenly you realize that you have certain boundaries in your life and are constantly adding things to your list of what is acceptable and what isn’t. One minute, you are insecure and then the next, secure. You laugh and cry with the greatest force of your life. You feel alone and scared and confused. Suddenly, change is the enemy and you try and cling on to the past with dear life, but soon realize that the past is drifting further and further away, and there is nothing to do but stay where you are or move forward. You get your heart broken and wonder how someone you loved could do such damage to you. Or you lay in bed and wonder why you can’t meet anyone decent enough that you want to get to know better. Or maybe you love someone but love someone else too and cannot figure out why you are doing this because you know that you aren’t a bad person. One night stands and random hook ups start to look cheap. Getting wasted and acting like an idiot starts to look pathetic. You do it though,and the next day regret it, stating over and over… “this is my last time.” You go through the same emotions and questions over and over, and talk with your friends about the same topics because you cannot seem to make a decision. You worry about loans, money, the future and making a life for yourself…and while winning the race would be great, right now you’d just like to be a contender! What you may not realize is that everyone reading this relates to it. We are in our best of times and our worst of times, trying as hard as we can to figure this whole thing out. Send this to your twenty-something-year-old friends… maybe it will help someone feel like they aren’t alone in their state of confusion.