I’ve been challenged to list five things you don’t know about me, but there is privileged information I haven’t already vomited all over cyber space with good reason. Instead, I’ll list five incidents that cemented my reputation as somewhat of a space cadet among my friends.
1. Pammie and I were in the OC walking back to my car after lunch. It was freezing out and I asked her where we were. She said, “Santa Ana,” and I was like, “Ohhhh… No wonder it’s so windy here.” She stopped walking and laughed at me while I stood there freezing my ass off.
2. Jay was talking about how Ernie Reyes Jr’s dad was this martial arts master and starred in a few movies. I said, “Who’s Ernie Reyes Jr’s dad?” and Jay was all, “Um, that would be Ernie Reyes, Mayan.”
3. Errol, Pammie, Jay and I went to Skokie’s to watch “Everything is Illuminated.” Skok popped the DVD in and was like, “Hit play, Mayan” so I just hit the play button on the DVD player. Thirty minutes go by before we realize that we just watched deleted scene after deleted scene thinking the entire time that we were watching the actual movie and they had just Tarantino’d the shit out of it. At the end of the movie, I was like, “That’s weird… None of the deleted scenes were in the movie.” …and I was serious.
4. Meehchelle and I were in the kitchen at our cabin in Big Bear and Pammie was showering upstairs. (I thought) Meehchelle said, “What does your sister call you, Mayan?” I gave her this confused look and was like… “Um… Mayan?” and she looked at me in disbelief before saying, “Your sister is calling you, Mayan” as I heard Pammie’s distant cries in the background because Julz had used up all the hot water… and I thought SHE was the clueless one in this conversation.
5. I was at a gas station with Jay buying some cupcakes and M&Ms to fashion a makeshift cake for Pammie’s birthday. Jay noticed my confusion as I stood in the candy aisle with a bag of king-sized M&Ms in one hand and regular M&Ms in the other. I was like, “Feel these bags, Jay. This one’s supposed to be king-sized, but the M&Ms are the same size in both bags…” Before dying of laughter, he managed to say, “Sweetie, ‘king-sized’ refers to the size of the bag, not the size of the M&Ms!” Oh hell no.
I’ve only listed five, but sadly, shit like this happens all the time. My friends like to hoard these “mayanisms” and whip them out amongst strangers whenever the opportunity presents itself, so most people already think I’m a space cadet before I get a fighting chance to convince them otherwise. Now that I’ve broadcasted these infamous stories on the internet, they never have to be repeated again (and again and again… I’m talking to YOU, Jay!).