In elementary school, I was cast as the glow worm in “James & the Giant Peach” and had to wear a bright turquoise leotard in front of the entire school. My only line was “I’m trying,” and I had to pretend that light was shining out of my ass. Needless to say, it was the beginning and end of my acting career.
I once had a tiny cut in my neck that bled for 24 hours straight. I went to the hospital and the doctor gave me two shots in the neck before cauterizing it. The night before, Jay wanted to attempt a DIY cauterizing job with a barbecue skewer lit from the stove at Beejaye’s house, but I would rather risk bleeding to death than have Jay light me on fire.
I’ve had thirteen jobs in thirteen years. The longest I’ve been at a job is three years at my current graphic design position. The shortest was my month-long stint as a barista (all the coffee in Starbucks couldn’t keep me awake during my 5am shifts).
The only solo I sang during my show choir days was for “When You Believe” from “The Prince of Egypt” soundtrack. Over a decade has passed, but I’m pretty sure I remember my Hebrew solo bringing the entire audience to its knees.
I tried three estheticians before discovering Linda at Viva Brazil. And when I showed up for my appointment this afternoon, my stomach fell out of my butt when they informed me that Linda had called in sick. Contrary to popular belief, I don’t let just anyone touch my vagina! After having survived our waxings with Margarita, Pammie and I had a celebratory lunch at Phil’s BBQ where we ran into my BFF and her fam. How dare she eat there without me??? At least she let us cut in line :)
I literally judge books by their cover, and Something Borrowed caught my eye five years ago. It was so good that I spread it like herpes and gave it to all my girlfriends. Apparently, I wasn’t the only one who thought it was amazeballs, and it has been turned into a movie! It won’t be released till next year, but the girls and I attended a private screening of it last night. I expected to be disappointed, as I usually am with film adaptations of books I’ve read (The Da Vinci Code, Twilight), but the four of us who have read the book thought the movie did it justice, and my other two friends loved it without having read the book first. I think I’ve said all I’m legally allowed to say per the confidentiality agreement I had to sign, but I can’t wait for the movie to be released next year so I can watch it again (and see if my anonymous suggestion for more shots of Colin Egglesfield with his shirt off was taken into consideration).
Last Halloween, I woke up face down in a hotel bathroom and endured the walk of shame (and by shame I mean glory) downtown in my costume the next morning. This year, I decided to keep a low profile and skip Halloween altogether. Instead, I spent the weekend moving all my extra furniture out of my overpriced storage unit. All I have left in there is my lovesac and dining table, so make sure to check out my listings while you’re perusing the casual encounters section of Craigslist if you’re interested.
I spent most of Saturday afternoon loading everything into the U-haul with the help of my mom and sister. Moving furniture ruins relationships, and I’m surprised we’re all still speaking after this weekend! I thanked them with Phil’s, so I’m pretty sure I’m forgiven for those three painful hours of labor. Sunday, though? Not so much…
While I was grateful that Jessie took my sectional off my hands, I was less enthused about the fact that she lives on the fifth floor of her building. Three girls moving two couches down a busy street in Little Italy was truly a sight to behold. We tried to get some boys to help us beforehand, but we were 0 for 3. One of my friends said he had to go to work on his day off to show his Halloween costume, another had to help his mom with her political campaign, and the maintenance guy at her building did not seem at all interested in lending a hand. Whatever happened to chivalry? My entire body’s sore now, jerks.
We did everything short of bending time and space to get those couches into Jessie’s condo. She rewarded us with some chocolate cupcakes with pumpkin cream cheese frosting that she whipped up in her KitchenAid stand mixer. Not only does she now have my beloved microsuede sectional, but she also has the appliance of my dreams. At least she’s allowing me visitation rights! Afterward, we still had to go up to the OC to drop off the U-haul at Pammie’s. While we were putting together her bed, we heard the doorbell ring and thought it was the takeout we ordered, but it was a bunch of kids in costumes! In all this furniture hoopla, we had completely forgotten about Halloween.